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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. to what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion.

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In these modern days, people’s love for
music
Use synonyms
 has united them with others who have different cultures and ages.
However
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, I personally agree with
this
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 statement as
music
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 has become a tool that can be utilized to unite
nation
Correct article usage
a nation
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 for some reasons which are set out below. Everyone has a different taste in
music
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, and there are different types of
music
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 genres,
such
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 as K-pop, J-pop, Rock, Lofi, Jazz, and so on. Finding something in common will help them to build a relationship with others.
For instance
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, K-Poppers' fans can somehow manage to interact with each other globally with the help of the internet, and some of them even become
friends
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, despite their age and cultural differences. They even can form a fan group about a certain artist with strangers to fangirl over
this
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 idol and to defend his idol if they get hate comments from other fan groups. Other than contemporary
music
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, traditional
music
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 has
also
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 helped people to connect with a foreign culture. The curiosity of someone to learn about other traditional
music
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 will open the opportunity to find new
friends
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 and community.
For example
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, a year ago, there was a viral video where an American was singing an Indonesian folk song. He
then
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 told the media that his love for Indonesia's art had attracted local children to teach him the culture’s
music
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.
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At
Change preposition
In
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 the
end
Add a comma
end,
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 the Indonesians loved him for his interest in the country's cultures, and he ended up with some new
friends
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. In conclusion, it seems to me that
music
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 has brought people together globally. Through engaging with it, individuals can find new
friends
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 and build relationships across cultures and generations.
However
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, it is
also
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 important to recognize that personal preferences and cultural differences in
music
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 may sometimes limit its unifying potential. Despite
this
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, the
overall
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 ability of
music
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 to create shared experiences and emotional connections makes it a powerful tool for fostering unity in a diverse world.

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relevant specific examples
Ensure all examples and points directly relate and strengthen your main argument. While the examples are relevant, clarify their connection to the overall thesis of music as a universal unifier.
logical structure
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. You have done well here, but perhaps explicitly link how the examples provided support the broader theme of unity more clearly.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion on music’s unifying power. It's clear and introduces the topic well.
supported main points
The main points are effectively developed with specific examples, such as K-pop fans and an American singing an Indonesian folk song. These examples clearly illustrate the points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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