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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that the best way to improve the general well-being of schoolchildren is to make physical education compulsory in all schools. Others, however, think this world have little effect on overall health and that other measures are needed. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #schoolchildren #education #schools #world #effect #health #measures
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Some people think that the best way to improve the
overall
 well-being of schoolchildren is
making
Change preposition
by making
show examples
 physical
education
 mandatory at
school
. I personally believe that
while
 compulsory physical
education
 helps to improve the
overall
 well-being of
children
, taking care of other
factors
 is more important. Compulsory physical
education
 helps to improve the
health
 of
school
-going
children
.
Exercise
 is essential at every stage to improve the
health
 and well-being of a person. On top of that,
children
 spend a significant amount of time at
school
.
Therefore
, if they participate in physical
exercise
 for an hour, it helps to improve their
health
 and well-being.
For example
, in Australia, all primary
school
children
 participate in physical
exercise
 and other sports activities every day for an hour as a part of their curriculum, which helps to improve their
health
 and well-being.
However
, I personally believe that only participating in physical
exercise
 is not always helpful. Taking care of other important
factors
 helps to maintain the well-being of
children
. These
factors
 consist of maintaining a balanced diet, having adequate sleep and spending time with their families. These
factors
 are useful because they provide a complete and healthy lifestyle guide for each child at
school
.
For example
, in Bangladesh, many schools not only prioritize physical
education
 but
also
 monitor the
overall
 lifestyle of each child
such
 as diet, sleep and their relationships with their parents.
This
 monitoring helps to improve the well-being of
children
 and prevent diseases.
Therefore
, I personally believe that maintaining a good lifestyle is more beneficial for
children
 in terms of improving
health
. In conclusion, I personally believe that
although
exercise
 helps
children
 to maintain good
health
, other important
factors
 are more important because they help to maintain
overall
Add an article
the overall
show examples
 well-being of
children
.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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task achievement
Consider expanding on the argument for making physical education compulsory by discussing potential long-term benefits such as preventing obesity and promoting lifelong fitness habits.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly transitions from one point to the next to make your argument flow smoothly. You can use linking words like 'however,' 'additionally,' or 'moreover.'
task achievement
Try to address potential counterarguments to strengthen your position. This shows a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Provide a more detailed conclusion by summarizing your key points more elaborately.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction clearly outlines both views and presents your position, which sets a strong foundation for your essay.
task achievement
You effectively use examples from Australia and Bangladesh to support your arguments, which adds credibility to your points.
task achievement
Your essay stays focused on the question and provides comprehensive ideas related to physical education and holistic health measures for children.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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