IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

some people say that advertising encourages people to buy things they do not need.Others say that advertisements are important sources of information about new products.Discuss both view and give your opinion. Hà Vy

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In the modern era,advertisements are extremely popular,they are being widely used on social platforms.
While
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 some argue that because of advertising,they purchase numerous unnecessary items,others believe that it plays a vital role in announcing new products.Two aforementioned opinions will be discussed in the following paragraphs before presenting my personal perspective in the conclusion.
To begin
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,there is a common belief that advertisements are considered necessary in announcing brand-new goods.
Firstly
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,advertising is beneficial for consumers.
For example
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,producers often create attractive videos with product data or organize presentations,and workshops in order to buyers a good understanding of the items
which
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apply
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they want to buy.
Moreover
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,through advertising,products reach more customers leading to increased sales.
On the other hand
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, I strongly believe that advertisements lead many individuals to make inessential purchases.The first reason is that advertisers employed a wide range of strategies to captivate consumers and drive sales
such
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 as employing celebrities
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and publishing limited editions.
For example
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, Son Tung M-TP one of Vietnam’s most famous and influential singers,is the brand ambassador for Viettel.Thanks to him,the company has attracted a large number of users.
Furthermore
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,people often like to show off and peer pressure can make them feel like they need to keep up with others.
For instance
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,in a survey at Tran Nguyen Han High School,most students want to get newly launched meẻchandises because of its luxurious,cutting-edge technology or their friends have those items so they must have them as well. In conclusion,
although
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 advertisement is extremely essential in informing new products,it still has certain disadvantages.
Therefore
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,buyer should be properly aware of their purchases and only buy when needed.

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task achievement
Ensure that there is a clear distinction between the introduction of the issue and the presentation of your thesis statement. You may also want to provide a balanced view in the conclusion to address both sides of the argument equally before stating your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Some transitions between ideas can be more developed to provide better flow. Use more linking words and phrases to improve transitions between paragraphs and ideas.
task achievement
Be cautious about over-relying on well-known individuals (such as celebrities) as examples, as they can be less effective for international readers unfamiliar with them. Consider using examples that are more universally understood.
coherence and cohesion
Review minor grammar and punctuation issues, such as spacing and comma usage, to ensure clarity and professionalism in your writing.
task achievement
You have effectively introduced the topic and identified both sides of the argument. This shows a clear understanding of the essay prompt.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and a conclusion that succinctly wraps up your viewpoints, providing a sense of closure.
coherence and cohesion
Logical structure is maintained throughout the essay with distinct paragraphs for each viewpoint, making your argument easy to follow.
task achievement
Specific examples are used effectively to illustrate your points, enhancing the credibility and relatability of your argument.
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