IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that the world should have only one government rather than national government. Do you think the benefits of this system outweigh its disadvantages?

#people #world #government #system
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I think
world
Use synonyms
government
Use synonyms
 is an absurd idea. I do not see any benefit of that concept. It will ruin the beauty of
locality
Correct article usage
the locality
show examples
 and the complexity of the
world
Use synonyms
 itself.
Firstly
Linking Words
, we
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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live in a very diverse society. Every community must be addressed specifically
according to
Linking Words
 their characteristics and needs. Only
national
Correct article usage
the national
show examples
government
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,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 could examine the
uniqeness
Correct your spelling
uniqueness
 of their
people
Use synonyms
Linking Words
then
Correct word choice
and then
show examples
making
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
 policies based on that research.
For example
Linking Words
, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 a huge difference
regarding
Change preposition
between
show examples
Germany
Correct your spelling
German
show examples
people
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 and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
French
people
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 regarding their
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 drinks.
While
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Germany
likes
Correct subject-verb agreement
like
show examples
 to drink beer, the French prefer wine.
Secondly
Linking Words
, the
world
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 population today is around 6 billion
people
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. It is impossible to manage all of the
earth
Change noun form
earth's
show examples
citizen
Change to a plural noun
citizens
show examples
 with
one
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government
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. I can not imagine, how many state officials were needed to perform the duties.
Not to mention
Linking Words
 the time difference and language varieties between
people
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. A little miscommunication will create a
big
Fix the agreement mistake
lot of
show examples
 chaos. We
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 observe from our daily life that even the
Javanesse
Correct your spelling
Japanese
Javanese
people
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 speak
Java
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 language, there are a lot of differences between
Java
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 language in
eastern
Capitalize word
Eastern
show examples
Java
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 and Western
Java
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. A word with a polite meaning for
one
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, could be an insult to another. As a conclusion,
one
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government
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 to manage the
world
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Use synonyms
world
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
is not realistic. It is impossible to make general policies that could
be apply
Change the verb form
be applied
show examples
 to the whole
people
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.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
one
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government
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 could not handle many
culture
Replace the word
cultural
show examples
 varieties that could cause big
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
, even conflict between
people
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. Rather than make
one
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 administration, it is better to strengthen the United
Nation
Fix the agreement mistake
Nations
show examples
 in order to work better to
assure
Verb problem
ensure
show examples
 that the
consensus'
Correct your spelling
consensus
show examples
had
Correct pronoun usage
that had
show examples
 been made could work properly.
Submitted by edna.c.pattisina on

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task achievement
Try to clarify your argument by stating a clear position on whether the benefits of a single world government outweigh the disadvantages. Adding more nuanced points of view can enrich your essay.
coherence cohesion
Improve sentence structure and variety to enhance the readability and flow of the essay. Consider using linking words and transition phrases more frequently to connect paragraphs and ideas smoothly.
task achievement
Your essay provides specific examples like the difference in cultural preferences between German and French people, which adds depth to your argument.
coherence cohesion
The main points of your argument are logically organized and each paragraph addresses a separate aspect of the topic, which helps to maintain coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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