IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience.

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In the modern world, many parents want their children to be successful in their academic pathway.
Hence
Linking Words
, there are some thinking that education systems should get rid of some
subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as physical education and cookery to let their children be able to focus 100%
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 on studying academically. From my perspective, I considerably disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement. Granted, people might argue that non-academic lessons are not essential for
students
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 assumption is predicated on the thought that the best way to succeed is to study well academic
subjects
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as math, English, physics, etc. They believe if those
subjects
Use synonyms
 are dismissed, their children will have more time to spend
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
researching science
subjects
Use synonyms
 and have more possibilities to thrive academically in the future.
However
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 is not sound, because each individual's ability is completely different
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
one may be really good at math and feel interested in it, but others feel bored and regard studying non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 as really great
ones
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
, a loss of balance will be created and a lot of
students
Use synonyms
 will no longer feel intrigued enough to go to school anymore.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, putting too much pressure on studying well academic lessons upon
students
Use synonyms
 will lead to a lot of mental health
problems
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as stress, desperation, or overstudying,
while
Linking Words
 there is no subject that
students
Use synonyms
 can release anxiety after studying hard,
furthermore
Linking Words
, those academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 are the lack of movements that can cause many diseases relating to physical
problems
Use synonyms
 which will disturb in the studying progress.
Additionally
Linking Words
, physical education or
extracirrcular
Correct your spelling
extracurriculars
 might be useful to help
students
Use synonyms
 have soft and practical skills that they will never find in other
subjects
Use synonyms
.
According to
Linking Words
 these factors, it is unreasonable to remove non-academic
subjects
Use synonyms
 from the school syllabus.
To conclude
Linking Words
, each individual has their own interests and different abilities, and excluding other non-academic lessons from school may not be wise
due to
Linking Words
 causing a lot of health
problems
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as physical and mental
problems
Use synonyms
, especially those providing
students
Use synonyms
 with soft and practical skills.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion which strongly supports your argument throughout the essay. However, to enhance your task achievement, try integrating more specific examples that bolster your points. This could involve citing studies, personal anecdotes, or broader observations that further validate your stance.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay demonstrates good logical structure, with ideas flowing in a coherent manner. To improve, consider varying your sentence structures and using more transitional phrases to guide the reader smoothly from one point to the next.
Task Response
The essay effectively addresses the prompt with a clear position throughout.
Coherence & Cohesion
You have effectively used paragraphs to organize your essay, which aids in making your argument clear to the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
What to do next:
Look at other essays: