There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.

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In the modern world, many parents want their children to be successful in their academic pathway.
Hence
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, there are some thinking that education systems should get rid of some
subjects
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such
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as physical education and cookery to let their children be able to focus 100%
percent
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per cent
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on studying academically. From my perspective, I considerably disagree with
this
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statement. Granted, people might argue that non-academic lessons are not essential for
students
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.
This
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assumption is predicated on the thought that the best way to succeed is to study well academic
subjects
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such
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as math, English, physics, etc. They believe if those
subjects
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are dismissed, their children will have more time to spend
on
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apply
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researching science
subjects
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and have more possibilities to thrive academically in the future.
However
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,
this
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is not sound, because each individual's ability is completely different
that
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apply
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one may be really good at math and feel interested in it, but others feel bored and regard studying non-academic
subjects
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as really great
ones
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apply
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.
As a result
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, a loss of balance will be created and a lot of
students
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will no longer feel intrigued enough to go to school anymore.
On the other hand
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, putting too much pressure on studying well academic lessons upon
students
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will lead to a lot of mental health
problems
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such
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as stress, desperation, or overstudying,
while
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there is no subject that
students
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can release anxiety after studying hard,
furthermore
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, those academic
subjects
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are the lack of movements that can cause many diseases relating to physical
problems
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which will disturb in the studying progress.
Additionally
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, physical education or
extracirrcular
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extracurriculars
might be useful to help
students
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have soft and practical skills that they will never find in other
subjects
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.
According to
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these factors, it is unreasonable to remove non-academic
subjects
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from the school syllabus.
To conclude
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, each individual has their own interests and different abilities, and excluding other non-academic lessons from school may not be wise
due to
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causing a lot of health
problems
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such
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as physical and mental
problems
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, especially those providing
students
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with soft and practical skills.
Submitted by nguyenhuyhoa1506 on

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Task Achievement
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion which strongly supports your argument throughout the essay. However, to enhance your task achievement, try integrating more specific examples that bolster your points. This could involve citing studies, personal anecdotes, or broader observations that further validate your stance.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay demonstrates good logical structure, with ideas flowing in a coherent manner. To improve, consider varying your sentence structures and using more transitional phrases to guide the reader smoothly from one point to the next.
Task Response
The essay effectively addresses the prompt with a clear position throughout.
Coherence & Cohesion
You have effectively used paragraphs to organize your essay, which aids in making your argument clear to the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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