IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think young people should be required to have full time education until they are at least 18 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #time #education #years
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There is no denying the fact that the
education
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 system must be updated to enhance its quality.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that youngsters until the age of 18, should be required to have
full
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full-time
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time
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education
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, there is
also
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 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion,
full
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full-time
show examples
time
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education
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 for young
people
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 may be beneficial for them.
To begin
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 with, youngsters have
a
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apply
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plenty of spare
time
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 so
request
Wrong verb form
requesting
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 them to take advantage of that
time
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with
Change preposition
to
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 study will enhance their ability and skills. It is
also
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 possible to say that, young
people
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 must be guided by some regulations to ensure that they will adhere to that policies.
Moreover
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,
full
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full-time
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time
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education
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 will expand their knowledge.
For example
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, if we encourage the children to have a
full
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full-time
show examples
time
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education
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, they will have
sufficient
Add an article
a sufficient
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 amount of basics of every science with that hectic schedule.
On the other hand
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, we must
be considered
Wrong verb form
consider
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 when it comes to young
people
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, there
is
Verb problem
may
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 maybe a side effect of
this
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 plan.
In other words
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, that
full
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full-time
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time
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education
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 schedule may not be suitable for all youngsters
due to
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 several factors; they may feel obligated to attend all
that
Correct determiner usage
those
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class
Fix the agreement mistake
classes
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 and that will affect them in an adverse manner.
In addition
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, if they only spend their
time
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 studying they will not be able to communicate with other individuals.
For instance
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, some studies have proven that children who love to
reads
Wrong verb form
read
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 a lot of books, and refuse to spend some
time
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 with their friends, will suffer when they grow up because of their low communication skills. In conclusion, despite
people
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have
Wrong verb form
having
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 different points of view, I'm convinced that young
people
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 must be obligated to have some classroom but at the same
time
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 looking for each individual circumstances and ability is a must to enhance our
education
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 system.
Submitted by omima7a7md on

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task achievement
Work on providing more balanced and detailed examples to support each side of your argument. This will strengthen your task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. While your essay is mostly coherent, practicing linking words could enhance the flow.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion that neatly encapsulates the main points of your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a well-organized structure and logically flows from one point to the next, supporting a coherent argument.
task achievement
Your arguments are generally clear and cover both sides of the debate, acknowledging the benefits and drawbacks of full-time education.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • fundamental cornerstone
  • literacy and numeracy
  • social inequalities
  • foundation of knowledge
  • social mobility
  • informed and engaged citizenry
  • democratic processes
  • youth crime rates
  • productive activities
  • vocational training
  • workforce
  • stifling individual talent
  • economic contribution
  • stress and mental health issues
  • unsuitable educational system
  • one-size-fits-all approach
  • diverse talents
  • career paths
  • formal academic education
  • financial strains
  • low-income countries
  • improving quality of education
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