IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people. To what extend do the advantages of having an ageing population outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #population #governments #society
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
in many countries, society is now living longer than ever before, a fraction of
people
 believe that an ageing population makes trouble for governments.
in contrast
, many
people
 show the opposite that there are three benefits if the nation has more elderly
people
. in my opinion,
this
 is very important for
people
 to get experience of life. in
this
 essay, we will discuss the advantages and disadvantages. on the one hand, the elderly are one part of the society. many companies have elder employees to benefit from their careers.
also
, they prefer to teach the youngest how to avoid mistakes.
As a result
 , the organizations have increased their profits.
moreover
, many
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
elder
Fix the agreement mistake
elders
show examples
 have a large amount in the national banks, so, that will be useful in the stock market and
country's
Correct article usage
the country's
show examples
 economy.
on the other hand
, a lot of
people
 argue that old person is a problem for the population.
for example
, in the United Kingdom, most hospital patients are over 47 years old. that means many health and physical problems for a single old.
furthermore
, the cost of interest them is higher than others. the
last
 point is some of them did not keep up with modern technology. in conclusion, there are positives and negatives to having elderly
people
 in a specific region. Their experiences are helpful in developing a lot of sectors of the city. At the same time, it costs more and more to cover their essentials and get their services
Submitted by kalmah.sa20 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance coherence by using a wider range of linking words and phrases to create smoother transitions between ideas and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples or details for each point to strengthen the essay's argument and clarity.
Coherence and Cohesion
Consider structuring your introduction to clearly outline the main points you will discuss, giving a preview of the essay's arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction presents the topic well and sets up the discussion of both sides.
Task Achievement
The essay effectively addresses both the advantages and disadvantages of an aging population.
Coherence and Cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the essay's main arguments, providing a balanced view.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
What to do next:
Look at other essays: