IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that children can learn effectively by watching TV and they should be encouraged to watch TV both at school and at home. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #children #tv #school #home
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Some people think that
children
 can learn anything effectively by watching
television
, and
therefore
, they should be allowed to watch
television
 both at school and at home. I completely disagree with
this
 statement because watching
television
 hinders the natural imagination capabilities of
children
, and it
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
 detrimental to their
health
. If
children
 watch
television
 a large amount of
time
 in a
day
, it negatively affects their imagination power.
Children
 have their own thinking capacity, ideas and thought
process
Fix the agreement mistake
processes
show examples
, which are natural. These attributes allow them to think and imagine clearly and these are
also
 essential for their cognitive development. If
children
 watch
TV
 a significant amount of
time
 in a
day
, they do not get much
time
 to process their thoughts and feelings, which ultimately affects their development.
For instance
, in Australia, around 45% of primary school
children
 have lost their natural imagination capabilities because they spend around 5 to 6 hours in front of
TV
Add an article
the TV
show examples
.
Moreover
, watching
TV
 for a long period of
time
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
 detrimental to the
health
 of
children
. It severely affects the eye
health
 and the
overall
health
 of
children
. It affects their backs, muscles, brains and other parts of the body because of sitting
a
Change preposition
for a
show examples
long period of
time
 in front of
TV
Add an article
the TV
show examples
.
Furthermore
,
children
 can develop a large number of diseases at an early stage of their lives if they watch
TV
 for a long period of
time
 in a
day
.
For example
, around 30% of Indian
children
 suffer from low vision because of watching "Cartoon Network" channel for unlimited hours
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
day
. In conclusion, I completely agree that watching
TV
 is harmful to the
health
 of
children
, and it
also
 affects their cognitive ability.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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task achievement
Try to provide more diverse examples.
coherence cohesion
Link ideas more clearly in each paragraph for stronger cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, framing the argument well.
task achievement
You have presented a complete response to the task, clearly stating your position.
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