IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that children can learn effectively by watching TV and they should be encouraged to watch TV both at school and at home. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some people think that
children
Use synonyms
 can learn anything effectively by watching
television
Use synonyms
, and
therefore
Linking Words
, they should be allowed to watch
television
Use synonyms
 both at school and at home. I completely disagree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because watching
television
Use synonyms
 hinders the natural imagination capabilities of
children
Use synonyms
, and it
Linking Words
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
 detrimental to their
health
Use synonyms
. If
children
Use synonyms
 watch
television
Use synonyms
 a large amount of
time
Use synonyms
 in a
day
Use synonyms
, it negatively affects their imagination power.
Children
Use synonyms
 have their own thinking capacity, ideas and thought
process
Fix the agreement mistake
processes
show examples
, which are natural. These attributes allow them to think and imagine clearly and these are
also
Linking Words
 essential for their cognitive development. If
children
Use synonyms
 watch
TV
Use synonyms
 a significant amount of
time
Use synonyms
 in a
day
Use synonyms
, they do not get much
time
Use synonyms
 to process their thoughts and feelings, which ultimately affects their development.
For instance
Linking Words
, in Australia, around 45% of primary school
children
Use synonyms
 have lost their natural imagination capabilities because they spend around 5 to 6 hours in front of
Use synonyms
TV
Add an article
the TV
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, watching
TV
Use synonyms
 for a long period of
time
Use synonyms
Linking Words
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
 detrimental to the
health
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
. It severely affects the eye
health
Use synonyms
 and the
overall
Linking Words
health
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
. It affects their backs, muscles, brains and other parts of the body because of sitting
a
Change preposition
for a
show examples
long period of
time
Use synonyms
 in front of
Use synonyms
TV
Add an article
the TV
show examples
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
children
Use synonyms
 can develop a large number of diseases at an early stage of their lives if they watch
TV
Use synonyms
 for a long period of
time
Use synonyms
 in a
day
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
, around 30% of Indian
children
Use synonyms
 suffer from low vision because of watching "Cartoon Network" channel for unlimited hours
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
day
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, I completely agree that watching
TV
Use synonyms
 is harmful to the
health
Use synonyms
 of
children
Use synonyms
, and it
also
Linking Words
 affects their cognitive ability.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to provide more diverse examples.
coherence cohesion
Link ideas more clearly in each paragraph for stronger cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, framing the argument well.
task achievement
You have presented a complete response to the task, clearly stating your position.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: