IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some people believe that the government should financially support retired people. Others think they should care for themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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These days many
people
Use synonyms
 think that the
government
Use synonyms
 should be able to support retired
people
Use synonyms
 with money for their living.
In contrast
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, some
people
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also
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 believe that they should be taken care of individually. Personally, I agree that the
government
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 should benefit retired
people
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. The disadvantage of
this
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 development is the outcome of the
government
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 will be much.
However
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, the
government
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 itself have the capability to have a balanced economy, which they should have financial goods without any debt. If they can'
t
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 manage the debt the economy of the country will have a crisis, which means that the
government
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 should look up to itself first.
For example
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, the country has many debt that they should pay from other countries, but it cannot be paid so the
government
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 should have good savings. Despite
this
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, there are significant advantages it can bring to the lives of retired
people
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.
Firstly
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, it means that the
people
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 who have pursued the job with a good work ethic should be appreciated more
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 the
Government
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 with the guarantee of a good life in their old period.
For example
Linking Words
, Indonesian civil official states have an old wage allowance until the day they die.
Secondly
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, we should see a point of view from
Correct article usage
the
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public with old age, which they already don'
t
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 have good physics and have any illnesses or diseases. From that, we can see that they couldn'
t
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 search for another job because of their physical appearance. If they don'
t
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 have a job
so
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they don'
t
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 have any income, it makes
them
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 have a problem paying for their health services in the hospital.
For example
Linking Words
, in Indonesia, there are not many companies or jobs that open recruitment for
Add an article
the
a
show examples
community with old age. I would
therefore
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 argue that
although
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 there are disadvantages of the financial support from the
government
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 to the retired
people
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, they are outweighed by the advantages. It can enrich old
people
Use synonyms
’s lives that already devoted to their jobs.

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grammar
Consider enhancing grammatical range and accuracy to strengthen your essay. Although understandable, some grammatical inaccuracies could be refined for clarity.
development
While your ideas are generally clear, it would be beneficial to make connections between them even more explicit, enhancing the flow and coherence of your argument.
task response
You effectively presented both viewpoints on whether the government should financially support retired people and provided a clear opinion.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a well-structured introduction and conclusion, clearly outlining and wrapping up your discussion and viewpoint.
supporting points
Several concrete examples, such as the Indonesian civil official states' allowance, were relevantly included, supporting your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financially support
  • retired people
  • responsibility
  • standard of living
  • poverty rates
  • elderly
  • essential living expenses
  • housing
  • healthcare
  • caregivers
  • substantial financial burden
  • aging population
  • life expectancies
  • self-sufficient
  • welfare systems
  • tax incentives
  • retirement savings plans
  • personal responsibility
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