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Writing Samples
Band 6

Nowadays young people spend too much of their free time in shopping malls. This has negative effects on themselves and the society they live in. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #time #malls #effects #society
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Nowadays,
teenagers
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 spend their almost all free
time
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 in shopping centres and I believe it affects them and
society
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 negatively.
In other words
Linking Words
, young
people
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 are wasting their potential and
money
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 by spending their
time
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 in malls. First of all, almost all
teenagers
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 prefer to be in malls in their leisure
time
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 and it becomes an addiction. They are only thinking about buying things they don't even need.
This
Linking Words
 is actually a dangerous situation because they have a great potential to do something good
such
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 as volunteering for some beneficial jobs,
reading
Correct word choice
or reading
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 a book but they waste that potential. It is a huge loss for the
society
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.
Future's
Change noun form
Future
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 scientists are disappearing
day
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 by
day
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. Young
people
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 are becoming more irresponsible every
day
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.
Secondly
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,
although
Linking Words
 it may seem harmless, going shopping in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
free
time
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 can
also
Linking Words
 cause unnecessary
money
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 spending. When teens go shopping regularly, they start to spend more
money
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day
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 by
day
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 and it is a waste of
money
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.
This
Linking Words
 leads to an economic crisis in their limited budget. If we assume that most
teenagers
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 are not free economically, it
also
Linking Words
 affects their families. In
a
Correct article usage
apply
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conclusion, spending free
time
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 in shopping centres affects both
teenagers
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 and
society
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. It becomes a habit, and
this
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 habit may lead to losing
great
Correct article usage
the great
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potentials
Fix the agreement mistake
potential
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 of young
people
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 and it is
also
Linking Words
 a waste of
money
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. Young
people
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 should spend their free
time
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 doing things that benefit
society
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 and themselves. In
this
Linking Words
 way, I think our
society
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 can achieve better things in the future.
Submitted by isil on

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task achievement
Try to incorporate more specific examples to strengthen your arguments. This will enhance your task response by making your points more convincing and relatable.
coherence and cohesion
Consider using more varied sentence structures and linking phrases to improve cohesion.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion are well-structured and help to frame your arguments effectively.
logical structure
The essay is well-organized with each paragraph clearly dedicated to a specific point.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • materialistic attitudes
  • excessive consumerism
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • peer pressure
  • financial irresponsibility
  • meaningful social relationships
  • family bonding
  • environmental degradation
  • commercial environments
  • productive activities
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