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Band 6.5

The table shows the number of international visitors arrivals came to nine different countries and the percentage changes between 2009 and 2010

The table shows the number of international visitors arrivals came to nine different countries and the percentage changes between 2009 and 2010
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The table compares the number of international
tourist
Use synonyms
arrivals
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 in eight countries between 2009 and 2010 and
changes
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.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 in 2010 in all countries except
from
Remove the preposition
apply
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Hong Kong
tourist
Use synonyms
arrivals
Use synonyms
 were more than in 2009. As the table shows, in France there was no change in
tourist
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arrivals
Use synonyms
 in both years. In
US
Correct article usage
the US
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 in 2009
tourist
Use synonyms
arrivals
Use synonyms
 were less than in 2010. 66 and 67
Use synonyms
millions
Change to singular
million
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, respectively. The
changes
Use synonyms
 were +1.5%. The next city was Spain. In 2010
tourist
Use synonyms
arrivals
Use synonyms
 were more than in 2009, 56 and 55
Use synonyms
millions
Fix the agreement mistake
million
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. The
changes
Use synonyms
 were +1.8%.
Then
Linking Words
, in
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
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 in 2009
tourist
Use synonyms
arrivals
Use synonyms
 were 55
Use synonyms
millions
Change to singular
million
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,
whereas
Linking Words
 in 2010 57
Use synonyms
millions
Change to singular
million
show examples
 and
changes
Use synonyms
 were +3.6%. In Italy in 2009
tourist
Use synonyms
arrivals
Use synonyms
 were 44
Use synonyms
millions
Change to singular
million
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,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
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 in 2010 tourists were 45
Use synonyms
millions
Change to singular
million
show examples
 and
changes
Use synonyms
 were +2.3%. In
Turkey
Add a comma
Turkey,
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 in 2009
tourist
Use synonyms
arrivals
Use synonyms
 were 33
Use synonyms
millions
Change to singular
million
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,
whereas
Linking Words
 in 2010 the figure increased sharply to 45
Use synonyms
millions
Change to singular
million
show examples
 and
changes
Use synonyms
 were +33%.
Then
Linking Words
, in China in 2009
tourist
Use synonyms
arrivals
Use synonyms
 were less than in 2010, 22 and 34
Use synonyms
millions
Fix the agreement mistake
million
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, respectively.
Changes
Use synonyms
 were +55%. The next city is Germany with the biggest
changes
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 with +109% . In 2010
tourist
Use synonyms
 visits were more than in 2009, 23 and 11
Use synonyms
millions
Change to singular
million
show examples
.
Finally
Linking Words
,
Linking Words
last
Change the article
the last
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 city was Hong Kong. In 2009
tourist
Use synonyms
 visits were more than in 2010, 10 and 9
Use synonyms
millions
Change to singular
million
show examples
, respectively, and the chances were -11%

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words tourist, arrivals, changes, millions with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "changes" was used 9 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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