IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Task 2: The aging population is good for business, the economy, and society. Others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#population #business #economy #society
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For the time being, the public is generally divided on whether elderly
laborers
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labourers
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 make profits for businesses and society. I agree to a point with the view that it provides potential benefits.
Whereas
, some people say old employees bring disadvantages to the economy. On the one hand, old people are a quality
labor
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labour
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 source for companies and corporations. An aging community means that there are numerous elderly workers who
achieved
Verb problem
have
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 diverse knowledge and experience in their field.
Therefore
, their level of work completion always reaches perfection.
In addition
, elderly
laborers
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labourers
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 can share or teach the younger generation what they
, giving
Add a missing verb
do, giving
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 more tips and advice in any hard situation.
For instance
,
in
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apply
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, the older generation who guide new interns in the company are called "mentors" They train younger many things
such
 as how to have effective work and how to deal with difficult clients.
On the other hand
, some arguments point out old
laborers
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labourers
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 can lead to an economic burden. It is shown that the aging population suffers from health problems so they are not able to work for long years and must retire. After retiring, civil servants will live on the government's pensions. When there are too many citizens like that, the country's finances will decrease. In my opinion, because elderly employees enthusiastically contributed when they were young, giving them government pensions is reasonable.
Moreover
, many retired residents have to deal with health issues so there will be an increase in the demand for healthcare services. Several hospitals and nursing centers will be built to serve the old people
consequently
,
this
 will develop the nation's economy. In conclusion, older workers were once young and have contributed greatly to the country.
Thus
, a nation with an
aging
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ageing
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 population brings more business and economic benefits than drawbacks.
Submitted by dohuyhoang on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows seamlessly into the next and use transition words, such as 'furthermore', 'in addition', and 'however', to enhance cohesion.
task achievement
More real-world examples relevant to the aging population and its impact on the economy and business could strengthen your position.
task achievement
While discussing the economic burden, consider addressing potential counterarguments more thoroughly to enhance your analysis.
task achievement
You managed to present both sides of the argument, showing good critical thinking skills.
coherence cohesion
You have structured your essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is commendable.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your opinion and main points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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