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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some parents believe that their children should do extra-curricular activities after school. Others say in this way children are under pressure. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#parents #children #activities #school #pressure
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Although
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 it is sometimes thought that teenagers ought to do more after-class
activities
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, other people believe that they may be under
pressure
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. In my opinion, I consider that doing more
activities
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 will help
children
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 improve their soft skills. On the one hand,
according to
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 some,
children
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 who do extra
activities
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 after finishing
school
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 can often interact better with others.
In other words
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, these
activities
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 encourage them to communicate with their teachers and classmates more than inside the class.
For example
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, many teachers do not allow students to talk during the lesson because they want students to concentrate on the class.
As a result
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, extra
activities
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 after
school
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 will let them talk more, which will build strong communication skills.
Furthermore
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,
children
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 should learn to be more active when they are young in order to avoid physical problems,
such
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 as being overweight.
On the other hand
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, it is commonly believed that
this
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 may put them under
pressure
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. One of the reasons is that
children
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 will not have enough time to focus on their studies.
That is
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 to say, they will face a lack of academic performance in
school
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.
For instance
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, many students will ignore their homework since they are exhausted after additional
activities
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 after
school
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.
Thus
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, parents do not want their
children
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 to be under
pressure
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 as they cannot perform well in
school
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. Another reason is that some parents may believe
this
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 will affect their mentality when they are under
pressure
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.
To sum up
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,
while
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 people may vary in their opinions, I think that doing extra
activities
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 after
school
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 will help
children
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 to improve their soft skills.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly links back to the essay question. Although coherence is largely maintained, explicit reiteration of main points can enhance clarity.
task achievement
Consider balancing the discussion of both views with equal examples and details for a more comprehensive response.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, summarizing the main points effectively.
task achievement
Strong arguments are presented, particularly supporting the benefits of extracurricular activities.
task achievement
Examples used to support arguments are relevant and help in elaborating the points effectively.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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