IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people think that good health is a basic human need, so the medical service should not be run by profit-making companies. Do you think the disadvantages of private health care outweigh the advantages?

More and more people believe that maintaining good
health
Use synonyms
 through lifestyle choices is more beneficial and is considered be than advantages relying on medical treatment and that
healthcare
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 services should not be operated by profit-making companies. I completely agree with
this
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 view and believe that
governments
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 play a crucial role in supporting public
health
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.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, investing in preventive
healthcare
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 can significantly reduce the number of people who develop lifestyle-related diseases,
such
Linking Words
 as obesity, and heart conditions. In fact, by promoting balanced diets and regular physical activity,
governments
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 can reduce the long-term burden on public
health
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 systems. Public awareness campaigns
also
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 educate individuals about the dangers of smoking, poor nutrition, and sedentary behaviour.
For example
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, a study published in the UK found that 90 per cent of individuals who engaged in at least 30 minutes of daily exercise were far less likely to require long-term medical care.
In addition
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,
healthcare
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 should not be driven by profit, as
this
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 often leads to prioritising expensive treatments over affordable prevention. What I mean, when private companies run medical services, the focus may shift toward generating income rather than improving public
health
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 outcomes. Essential treatments may become inaccessible to low-income populations, widening
health
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 inequalities.
While
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 individuals are responsible for making healthy choices,
governments
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 influence those choices through laws and infrastructure. Policies banning harmful additives, restricting junk food advertising, and providing access to clean public spaces all encourage healthier lifestyles. In conclusion,
although
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 medical care remains essential, a greater focus on prevention and public responsibility is more sustainable.
Governments
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 must lead these efforts and ensure
healthcare
Use synonyms
 serves people, not profits.

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task response
Your introduction clearly states your opinion, which is great. Consider adding a brief overview of the main points you will discuss to make your essay even clearer.
coherence cohesion
Your paragraphs are well-structured, but sometimes the ideas jump a bit quickly. Try to use linking words (like 'firstly', 'next', 'finally') to guide the reader through your ideas more smoothly.
task response
You provide good examples, but make sure to explain how they connect to your argument more clearly. This will strengthen your points and make your essay more convincing.
task response
You have a strong viewpoint and clearly express your agreement, which is essential for a good essay.
task response
You effectively use examples to support your claims, showing a good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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