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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that schools are too competitive and that this has a negative impact on children. Others believe the competitive environment encourages children to achieve. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #schools #impact #children #environment
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Nowadays, school education seems highly competitive because of tough course structures.
While
 some argue that it has a negative impact on
children
, others consider it a positive thing to groom them.
This
 essay will discuss both aspects and present my own opinion. On one hand, the competitive environment of schools can boost
children
's confidence and cognitive abilities. When
students
 perform in a competitive setting and achieve good results, they feel encouraged to work hard.
For example
, if
students
 score good grades, they are appreciated by their teachers and parents, which fosters their interest in studies.
Similarly
, healthy
competition
also
 helps in developing the cognitive abilities of
children
. So, these competitions are essential for the healthy grooming of
students
.
On the other hand
,
children
 sometimes feel exhausted by high
competition
. As they are constantly in a battle of performing better than others, it can affect their mental health.
For instance
,
students
 work on difficult assignments requiring a lot of time and energy which can lead to exhaustion.
Therefore
, regular competitions can be detrimental to
students
' health. In my opinion, schools should have a balanced approach related to
competition
. They should
also
 organize extracurricular activities to blow off the steam when
students
 feel tired of their studies. It can help recover
students
 and replenish their energies. So,
while
 healthy
competition
 is vital for the growth of
children
, they
also
 need breaks to relax
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and enjoy extracurricular exercises and social life. In conclusion,
although
 a competitive setting is important in developing confidence and cognitive skills in
students
, too much
competition
 can strain their energies and lead to exhaustion.
Thus
, a balance in studies and social life is crucial for the positive growth of
children
.
Submitted by mhamza.yahya on

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Language
Try to provide more varied vocabulary to enhance expressiveness and precision, which could also positively impact coherence if applied to linking phrases.
Content
Ensure that examples are directly tied to the main idea they support, perhaps offering even more detailed scenarios, which can enhance task achievement.
Content
When discussing both views, provide a slightly more detailed examination of potential solutions or outcomes to offer a nuanced complete response.
Content
Clear and comprehensive response to the task prompt, addressing both perspectives effectively.
Structure
Well-structured introduction and conclusion that ably summarize the topics and provide a personal viewpoint.
Structure
The essay demonstrates a logical progression of ideas, with each paragraph linking well to the core thesis.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • undue stress
  • academic achievement
  • critical thinking
  • interpersonal skills
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • social isolation
  • bullying
  • reduced collaboration
  • motivation
  • achieve their goals
  • resilience
  • perseverance
  • innovation
  • improvement
  • outperform
  • higher standards
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