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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people think that they can go to the gym to remain fit, while others think that there are other better ways to do this. Discuss both views along with your opinion.

#people #gym
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There has been an ongoing debate as to whether
people
Use synonyms
 need to go to the
gym
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 to stay healthy or
there
Correct word choice
whether there
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 can be other ways that can be more effective for doing so.
While
Linking Words
 there are many alternative methods, I am in
favor
Change the spelling
favour
show examples
 of
people
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need
Correct pronoun usage
who need
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 not go to the
gym
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 in order to remain fit. Admittedly, there might be a wide range of exercises which can be replaced
gym
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. One of which is home visit exercises.
People
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 can be in good shape or health by doing housework,
such
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 as cleaning or gardening, since if they clean the house or work out in the garden, they act, and
this
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 in turn burns calories and improves strength. On top of that, all of them are free of charge, because some
people
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 cannot afford to go to the
gym
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, so daily life home chores might be helpful for those individuals, or they can go up and down stairs.
This
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also
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 would be beneficial for a healthy lifestyle.
Although
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 the opinions I mentioned above, I am of the opinion that
people
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 need to hit the
gym
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. First and foremost, they may feel responsible when they visit the fitness
center
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centre
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,
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apply
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 because keeping fit requires regular practice and
people
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 might not exercise in their house consistently, but they do at the
gym
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centers
Change the spelling
centres
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. Apart from that, individuals are provided with private instructors to tackle some problems, but they cannot find these types of instructors at their homes.
As well as
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,
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apply
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 equipment is
also
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 one reason for the quality of physical training,
therefore
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, gyms are important. In conclusion,
while
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 some
people
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 suggest some substitutes for attending fitness clubs, I do believe that it would be better if
people
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 went to the designated areas for exercise.
Submitted by Writing9 on

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vocabulary usage
Try to use more varied vocabulary to enhance the richness of your essay.
cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly with clear linking words or phrases to maintain cohesive flow.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points for a higher score.
structure
You have a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
position expression
Your opinion is clearly stated and supported throughout the essay.
task response
You've discussed both views, which addresses the essay task effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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