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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.

The chart below shows the number of people employed in five types of work on one region of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
The chart provides data on the
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 employed in five types of duties in one field of Australia in 2001 and 2008.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be clearly seen that
while
Linking Words
 Sales rates were the highest, indicators of farming were the lowest in all years.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, in 2001, Sales were the biggest with about 155.000
people
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 rates of Computing and Nursing were similar , with 60.000 residents,the
number
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 of individuals who worked in Accounting was higher , with 65.000.
By contrast
Linking Words
, Farming experienced 25.000 rates with the lowest
figur
Correct your spelling
figure
, compared to other figures. Turning to 2008, the
number
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 of
people
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 employed in Sales was the largest with approximately 163.000, compared to just under 60.000 in Accounting.
Whereas
Linking Words
, the second-highest was Computing , with an exact 80.000
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 who were occupied in
this
Linking Words
 field. The indicators of Nursing and Farming were 60.000 and 20.000 residents, respectively.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, people with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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