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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Teh table shows data underground railway systems in 6 major coties with date opened kilometers of route and passesnger numbers per year in millions.

Teh table shows data underground railway systems in 6 major coties with date opened kilometers of route and passesnger numbers per year in millions.
The given table illustrates data about underground
railway
Use synonyms
 systems in six major cities in the world with opening dates,
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kilometers
Change the spelling
kilometres
show examples
 of routes and the
number
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 of
passengers
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 in millions.
Overall
Linking Words
, London
is
Verb problem
has
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 the oldest
railway
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system
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 and has the longest
route
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while
Linking Words
 Tokyo has the highest
number
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 of
passesgers
Correct your spelling
passengers
 per
million
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, Kyoto has the shortest
route
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 with the lowest
number
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 of
passengers
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 per year. The
railway
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system
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 in London opened in 1863, and it is the oldest
railway
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system
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among
Change preposition
in
show examples
 all other cities.
Moreover
Linking Words
, London has the longest
railway
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route
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 which is 394
kilometers
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. The
railway
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 of Paris and Tokyo carries a maximum
number
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 of
passengers
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 which are 1191
million
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 and 1928
million
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 respectively.
In addition
Linking Words
, with the opening year of 1981,
kyoto
Change the capitalization
Kyoto
show examples
 has the shortest
route
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 of 11
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kilometers
Change the spelling
kilometres
show examples
 among all
railway
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 systems. Kyoto
also
Linking Words
 has relatively the lowest
number
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 of
passengers
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, which is 45
million
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 per year.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, Los Angeles
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 the newest
railway
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system
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and
Correct word choice
which
show examples
 opened in 2001 with 28
Use synonyms
kilometers
Change the spelling
kilometres
show examples
 of
route
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.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "moreover".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words railway, kilometers, number, passengers, system, route, million with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "data" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 5 times.
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