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Writing Samples
Band 6

The charts below show the number of Japanese tourists travelling abroad between 1985 and 1995 and Australias share of the Japanese tourist market. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.

The charts below show the number of Japanese tourists travelling abroad between 1985 and 1995 and Australias share of the Japanese tourist market. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below.
#show #japanese #tourists #australias #tourist #market #report #university #lecturer #information
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While
Linking Words
 the first
figures
Fix the agreement mistake
figure
show examples
 illustrates the number of
Japanese
Use synonyms
 visitors who
traveled
Change the spelling
travelled
show examples
 abroad during one decade, the second one shows the percentages of
Use synonyms
Japanese
Correct article usage
the Japanese
show examples
 market coming to Australia during these years
beteen
Correct your spelling
between
 1985 to 1995.
Overall
Linking Words
, at first glance, the number of
Japanese
Use synonyms
 tourists
went
Correct pronoun usage
who went
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
overseas increased almost gradually.
While
Linking Words
 in 1985, there were
nearby
Correct your spelling
nearly
show examples
 5
million
Use synonyms
Japanese
Use synonyms
 went
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
abroad,
at the end
Linking Words
 of the period there were 15
million
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
 The percentages of Japan's tourist market
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
experienced a
flactuating
Correct your spelling
fluctuating
trend
Use synonyms
 over these years, it increased by 4
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
, reaching 6
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 1994. It is evident that in 1985, more than 4
million
Use synonyms
Japanese
Use synonyms
 tourists travelled abroad,
then
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
trend
Use synonyms
 experienced a steady slope, reaching approximately 11
million
Use synonyms
 after
5years
Correct your spelling
5 years
, in 1991, by a
slightly
Change the word
slight
show examples
 decrease it reached
nearby
Correct your spelling
nearly
show examples
 10.5
million
Use synonyms
 people.
Additionally
Linking Words
, after 1992, by a gradual slope, climbing
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 a bit
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 more than 15
million
Use synonyms
 in 1995.
Conversely
Linking Words
, in 1985,
while
Linking Words
 the percentage of
Use synonyms
Japanese
Correct article usage
the Japanese
show examples
 tourist market coming to Australia started at 2
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
, experienced an upward
trend
Use synonyms
, reaching
nearby
Correct your spelling
nearly
show examples
 5
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 in 1988. It is noticeable that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the percentage of
this
Linking Words
trend
Use synonyms
 decreased
Change preposition
by almost
show examples
almost
Change preposition
by almost
show examples
 1
prcent
Correct your spelling
per cent
 in the following year. After that,
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 a steady growth, it reached slightly more than 6
perent
Correct your spelling
per cent
.
Finally
Linking Words
, it reached
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
6
Use synonyms
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
at the end
Linking Words
 of the period.
Submitted by mahanz on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "at the end, while".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words japanese, million, trend, percent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decrease" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "gradually" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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