IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries there are more young people choosing to enrol in work-based training instead of attending university. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#countries #people #enrol #university #situation
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Nowadays, there are numerous young people rather
to
Remove the marker
apply
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enrol in work-based training than attending formal education in
university
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 in several countries.
Although
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 there are surely some positive sides, I would argue that these are
outweighted
Correct your spelling
outweighed
 by the drawbacks.
To begin
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 with, there has been a growing belief that
by
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apply
show examples
choosing work-based training
instead
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 of
university
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 courses,
it
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apply
show examples
may lead to an easy way to
finding
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find
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 a job.
This
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 can be explained by the fact that there
are
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is
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 a popular stigma among the people that
the
Correct article usage
apply
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many
company
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companies
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 nowadays prefer to seek a candidate who
are
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is
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 ready to work.
Therefore
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, young generations tend to
chose
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choose
show examples
 working training since it is only focusing a practical and necessary skills before entering
professional
Add an article
the professional
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 world. Indeed, it is true that mostly, training activities
focusing
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focus
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to produce
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on producing
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 someone with practical skills that ready to work.
However
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,
by
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apply
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choosing working training
than
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over
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 formal education does not provide any guarantee
to get
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of getting
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 hired faster than
university
Use synonyms
 students. In fact, recent studies conducted by the
University
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 of Diponegoro
shows
Correct subject-verb agreement
show
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 that mainly, recruiters still prioritize a candidate from a well-known
university
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as well as
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 an excellent grade to
be consider
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be considered
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 as one of their
employee
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employees
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.
This
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 shows that the reputation of attending
university
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 still
hold
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holds
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 an important role
to
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in
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 applying for a job position.
Furthermore
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, by attending work-based training,
young
Correct article usage
the young
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 generation could
no
Correct your spelling
not
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 get
the
Correct article usage
apply
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exposure to studying from a respectful figure from both academic and professional
background
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backgrounds
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.
This
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 may be caused by the fact that many trainers only come from a related professional background without having some
academical achieving
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academic achievement
show examples
.
Hence
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, the quality of people who graduate from
university
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 and
the one
Correct your spelling
those
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 who only enrolled in work-based training will be different. In conclusion, despite the existence of some advantages, I believe that the disadvantages of
enrol
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enrolling
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 in work-based training are far greater, making them outweigh the existing
of
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apply
show examples
advantages.
Submitted by salwaputrihardiyan on

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task achievement
Ensure your argument is more balanced by clearly outlining both sides before arguing if one outweighs the other. Additionally, address the prompt directly by making your argument clear from the start.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each point in your essay flows logically into the next. You can improve logical structure by using clear linking words between your paragraphs and ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clearly present and provide a framework for your essay. This gives a clear overview of your arguments.
task achievement
The essay topic is addressed with attempts at providing specific reasoning and examples, indicating an effort to address task requirements.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • work-based training
  • enrol
  • university
  • advantages
  • disadvantages
  • practical skills
  • experience
  • workforce
  • employment
  • earnings
  • opportunities
  • further education
  • theoretical knowledge
  • career options
  • exploitation
  • balance
What to do next:
Look at other essays: