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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the percentage of Australian men in three age groups who were employed in 1984, 2001 and 2014.

The charts below show the percentage of Australian men in three age groups who were employed in 1984, 2001 and 2014.
#show #percentage #australian #men #three #age #groups
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The bar chart illustrates the proportion of
Use synonyms
woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
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 and
men
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 who
employed
Add a missing verb
were employed
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 in 1984,2001and2014 in three age groups.
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
men
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 have the highest
precentage
Correct your spelling
percentage
 of
employment
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 in all different ages.
Men
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 who are between 35-44 have the highest
employment
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.Women are lower in
employment
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 compared to
men
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. On the one hand ,
Men
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 who are 35-44
years
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have
Correct word choice
old have
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 a steady proportion which is 80% in all groups of age,where the percentage of
men
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 who are 15-19
years
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got
Verb problem
apply
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decreased over
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years
Correct article usage
the years
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 , but
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
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 are 60-64 got increased over
years
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 start from 40% in 1984 to reach above 60% in 2014.
On the other hand
Linking Words
 ,
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Add an article
a woman
the woman
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woman
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women
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 who
are
Change the verb form
is
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 15-19 have
unnoticeable
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an unnoticeable
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 climb of
employment
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 which is
approximitely
Correct your spelling
approximately
 60% , the age of 35-44
years
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 have a steady climb to peak 80% which is the highest level of
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woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
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 who got employed in 2014.
Moreover
Linking Words
, the group of
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woman
Fix the agreement mistake
women
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 who had the lowest chance to
employ
Wrong verb form
be employed
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 is from 60-64
years
Use synonyms
,
Correct word choice
old, it
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it started
Wrong verb form
starting
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 from 10% in 1984 to
end
Wrong verb form
ending
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with
Change preposition
at
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 40% in 2014.
Submitted by fatmalfarsi09 on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words woman, men, employment, years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "climb" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • employment trends
  • age groups
  • significant changes
  • employment rates
  • economic shifts
  • technological advancements
  • societal changes
  • policy-making
  • workforce participation
  • labor market dynamics
  • demographic shifts
  • career longevity
  • early retirement
  • job market competitiveness
  • technological unemployment
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