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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that schools should concentrate on teaching students academic subjects that will be useful for their future careers. Other people say that subjects such as music and sports are also necessary. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. Trung

#people #schools #students #subjects #future #careers #music #sports #trung
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In the contemporary era, education has always been of great importance in every nation. Currently, educational methods
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are importance
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importance
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important
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 in every nation. Currently, educational methods are often a topic of debate.
While some
Correct word choice
Some
show examples
 people believe that
students
 should focus on scholarly
subjects
 which helpful for their future jobs. In my view, non-academic
subjects
,
such
 as music and sports,
also
 deserve to be taught. On the one hand, it is undeniable that academic
subjects
 can significantly benefit
students
. Math, literature and physics
subjects
 will be applied frequently in future work because the job market is in need of
skillful
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skilful
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 employees in these fields.
Therefore
,
students
 are more likely to find high-paying jobs and better their lives.
For example
, practical math problems will help us become familiar with interest
rate
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rates
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 and probability calculations to be able to become a banker.
On the other hand
, I would argue that the inclusion of arts-related
subjects
 and sports in the school curriculum is advantageous for
students
. Teaching these
subject
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subjects
show examples
 would offer those who are endowed with arts a chance to enrich their knowledge and skills at school, which may lead to
further
 career prospects.
Moreover
, disciplines pertaining to arts would boost
students
’ creativity
as well as
 improve their mental and physical health. The proof is that nowadays, there are many people who graduate from university but work in a different field or turn to the artistic path. In conclusion,
while
 academic
subjects
 are traditionally argued to hold more importance, I strongly believe that teaching
subjects
such
 as music and sports
,
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apply
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 would provide
students
many
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with many
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 profits.
Submitted by midden-02.tore on

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Coherence
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next by using linking phrases or words. While your essay has a logical flow, increasing the use of transitional phrases can enhance coherence further.
Task Achievement
Try to integrate a more diverse range of specific examples to support your points. This will help in making your arguments more persuasive and relatable.
Cohesion
To achieve greater cohesion, consider using synonyms and varied sentence structures to avoid repetition of phrases.
Task Achievement
Your introduction effectively sets up the discussion by presenting both viewpoints and stating your opinion.
Coherence & Cohesion
You provide a strong conclusion that summarizes the key points in your argument, which rounds off the essay well.
Task Achievement
The essay presents balanced viewpoints on both sides of the argument, contributing to a comprehensive response to the task.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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