IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

More and more people today are spending large amounts of money on their complexions in order to look younger. Why do people want to look younger?Do you think this is a positive or negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words

#people #amounts #money #complexions #development
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In today's world, cosmetic procedures are more popular than ever before. Nowadays, many
people
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 are spending hefty amounts on themselves to look more youthful.
This
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 essay will discuss the causes of the rise of
this
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 trend and will explain why I believe that
this
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 is a negative trend. There are various reasons that compel
people
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 to follow
this
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 trend. First and foremost, the rise of celebrity culture. They have a massive fan following on various social media platforms and
people
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 blindly follow their footsteps.
Furthermore
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, plenty of distinguished folks do cosmetic treatments
such
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 as botox, facelifts and browlifts to achieve
wrinkle free
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wrinkle-free
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 skin and to maintain youthful
appearence
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appearance
.
This
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influence
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influences
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 normal
people
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 to follow these
standards
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.
For example
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,
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the kardashians
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kardashians
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Kardashians
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 are famous for setting unrealistic beauty
standards
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 worldwide and
beacause
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because
 of these celebrities,
people
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 are more drawn towards
this
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 culture.
Likewise
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, to fit in society's
standards
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 is
also
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 the contributing factor. In various cultures, cosmetic surgery is the biggest market.
For instance
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, in
south korea
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South Korea
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, every person
do
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does
show examples
slew
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a slew
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 of procedures to match these
standards
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.
Consequently
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, to fit in the society, it has become a compulsion
form
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for
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 them. Many
people
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, myself included, are heavily against these beauty
standards
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 as they have a negative impact on
person's
Correct article usage
a person's
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 mental health. many
people
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 isolate themselves and want to do whatever is required to feel confident. As these procedures are exorbitant, plenty has to
be spend
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be spent
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 on them. If a person is not confident enough because of her outlook, it can lead to stress and anxiety and in rare cases, can lead to suicide. In conclusion, the
unrealistics
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unrealistic
standards
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followed
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are followed
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 by millions, to gain desired outcomes. Few oppose them but many are in their favour.
However
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, in my opinion, it is a negative development as
this
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force
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forces
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people
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 to change their personality completely.
Submitted by georgeanum650 on

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task response
The essay provides a reasonable answer to the prompt, but could benefit from more detailed discussion and elaboration on points. Try to elaborate more on why you believe it's a negative development to strengthen task achievement.
coherence cohesion
The essay is structured logically with clear paragraphs, but the flow between ideas could be smoother. Use more cohesive devices to enhance the flow of your writing.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a good framework for the essay.
task response
You used relevant examples and explanations to support your main points, which helps in illustrating your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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