IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think spending a lot on birthdays and marriage celebrations is a waste of money but others think it is important to the young people and the society.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #birthdays #marriage #celebrations #waste #money #society
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There is a view that overspending on celebrations
such
 as birthdays and marriages might be a waste of financial resources ,
while
 others think that these events are crucial for youngsters and society. In my opinion,
although
 spending a lot on commemorations can be a misuse of
money
, we should celebrate precisely without wasting
money
. On the one hand, those who argue that spending hard-earned resources on parties think that
this
money
 can be spent better
elsewhere
 where it could be more beneficial for society.
For example
,
this
money
 can be spent on the poor in order to reduce poverty and put a limit
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 starvation and homelessness.
Furthermore
, a lot of those who spend their cash on these celebrations aim to only show off their wealth without actually enjoying them.
This
 criteria has led to presenting the amount of
money
 spent as a sign of your place in the social hierarchy;
in other words
, the more you spend, the more settled you are.
Thus
 some people may even take loans in order to prove their place in the social pyramid.
On the other hand
, life is not only about
money
, and spending a fair amount of
money
 on celebrating is actually vital for one’s mental health. The reason behind
this
 is the desire to feel that the
money
 gained
due to
 my hard work can actually contribute to my happiness. To illustrate, a child who doesn’t get a decent birthday party or a bride who gets married without her dream magical wedding might feel a bit off and depressed and even start comparing themselves with other children or women who got the appreciation they deserve throughout well-spent honouring. In conclusion,
while
 spending a lot of
money
 on celebrating and showing off is extremely dangerous and unnecessary, as
this
money
 can be spent better in other ways, there is no issue with spending moderate funds on enjoying ourselves a little.
Submitted by m.mahmoud.2005 on

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coherence cohesion
Make sure all your paragraphs are equally developed. The second paragraph is slightly less detailed than the first. Adding a bit more analysis or examples could enhance balance and depth.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that topic sentences clearly state the main idea of each paragraph. This will help improve the logical flow and ease of understanding.
task achievement
Consider providing a more explicit opinion in the conclusion. Although your viewpoint is clear, a slightly stronger rephrasing of your stance could cap off the argument more assertively.
task achievement
Try integrating more unique or specific evidence to support your points. Examples from different cultures or statistics could reinforce your arguments effectively.
task achievement
The essay effectively introduces two contrasting viewpoints on the topic, clearly engaging with the task statement.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-structured and contribute effectively to articulating the overarching argument.
task achievement
A balanced discussion is provided that examines both sides of the argument, showing a good understanding of the topic.
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