IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Every man has a right to proper healthcare. However, private hospitals nowadays are so profit-oriented that they are distracted from providing proper healthcare facilities. In your opinion, is this profit-making tendency a hindrance to proper healthcare ?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
healthcare system is
one
Use synonyms
 of the basic needs which should be available for all
people
Use synonyms
 .
while
Linking Words
 these days some of the private
hospitals
Use synonyms
 changed their rules to get a better profit from
people
Use synonyms
 . I overwhelmingly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 mindset .
one
Use synonyms
 of the main reasons for
this
Linking Words
 is the reduced level of the healthcare system , which leads to the spread of the disease more quickly. When
people
Use synonyms
 notice that , they can not pay for their treatment to recover themselves
this
Linking Words
 incident motivates them to leave their healing process and
as a result
Linking Words
, the rate of the disease will be significantly increased .
Moreover
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 are extremely worried about being sick by knowing how much they have to pay to the
hospitals
Use synonyms
 . financial burden is another critical factor . In private
hospitals
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
 have to pay a huge number of their money to receive better
care
Use synonyms
otherwise
Linking Words
 no
one
Use synonyms
 really pays attention to them .
This
Linking Words
 perspective can create a lot of concerns around
this
Linking Words
 aspect of these places which , encourages
people
Use synonyms
 to work hard or ask help from other
people
Use synonyms
 to
one
Use synonyms
 day receive the best possible
care
Use synonyms
 .
Moreover
Linking Words
, it significantly affects their well-being and mentality . When someone after a long time still can not pay the cost of
such
Linking Words
 basic facilities how he should hope for a better future
this
Linking Words
 leads to an increase in the number of
people
Use synonyms
 who are struggling with depression and frustration . In conclusion , some
people
Use synonyms
 argue that these
hospitals
Use synonyms
 should be only related to the
people
Use synonyms
 who are rich to take
care
Use synonyms
 of them completely . I strongly reject
this
Linking Words
 notion . It is true that
such
Linking Words
 places offer high-quality
care
Use synonyms
, but when they are especially allocated to specific
people
Use synonyms
 how we can argue that we are providing
this
Linking Words
 system for all of the
people
Use synonyms
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
 I believe that by managing the payment of
such
Linking Words
 places we can somehow control them . Healthcare is
one
Use synonyms
 of the most essential parts of over lives and we should prepare it for all
people
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure the introduction clearly defines the stance and sets the stage for a structured argument. Consider adding a thesis statement that encompasses your main arguments.
coherence cohesion
Organize your paragraphs in a more coherent way by explicitly linking ideas and using transitions to improve the flow between arguments.
task achievement
Incorporate specific examples and evidence to illustrate your points. This will strengthen your arguments and provide a more comprehensive response to the task.
task achievement
The essay maintains a clear stance against the profit-oriented nature of private hospitals and supports it with multiple arguments.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes an introduction and conclusion, providing a sense of closure and summarizing key points.
task achievement
The essay attempts to address both the economic and emotional impacts of profit-driven healthcare, showcasing an understanding of the issue.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: