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Writing Samples
Band 5

The average weight of people is increasing and their level of health and fitness is decreasing. What do you think are the causes of this and suggest some remedies to solve this problem.

#weight #people #level #health #fitness #remedies
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Obesity is one of the biggest problems of the age.
Although
Linking Words
 many
people
Use synonyms
 try to live in dynamic lifestyle, dozens of millions of
community
Fix the agreement mistake
communities
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 suffer from
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
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, as they live in passive lifestyle with oily meals and without doing exercises. From my
prespective
Correct your spelling
perspective
, most of the
people
Use synonyms
,who
have
Verb problem
are
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overweights
Replace the word
overweight
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 have no eating schedules or do not go to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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sports centres to lose their fat. There are several cases of getting overweight, in spite of the main exposition is living inactively. Since working with modern technological devices requires spending
time
Use synonyms
 a lot,
people
Use synonyms
 consume junk food and do not do any activities to save their
time
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
, who sit near PCs cannot go to the fitness rooms, as they do have not enough
time
Use synonyms
 to go.
Additionally
Linking Words
, they want to save their
time
Use synonyms
with
Change preposition
by
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 eating fast food.
As a result
Linking Words
, they get extra masses
instead
Linking Words
 of
reduce
Change the verb form
reducing
show examples
 them. One of the best ways to solve
this
Linking Words
 problem is
advertise
Fix the infinitive
to advertise
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 active life. As bodies cannot eat healthy meals and go to the sports facilities after hard work, companies should create interest among workers to do exercises to eat natural food.
For example
Linking Words
, if employers give 15 or 20 minutes of free
time
Use synonyms
 to do physical activities, workers will do them without any tiredness.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
create
Wrong verb form
creating
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 facilities to get healthy meals
also
Linking Words
 helps to reduce fat.
Therefore
Linking Words
, directors should give some leisure
time
Use synonyms
 to their employees. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 many
people
Use synonyms
 cannot avoid obesity and extra weight, doing exercises actively at work helps to reduce it. From my perspective, opening sports rooms will decrease the number of
people
Use synonyms
, who suffer from obesity.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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coherence cohesion
Clarify some supporting points and make connections clearer.
task achievement
Ensure that each idea in your response is fully developed.
task achievement
The essay presents some interesting ideas about the causes of obesity and possible solutions.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly defined, providing a structured response.
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