IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In the current era, in comparison to the older
population
Use synonyms
, many nations have more citizens who are young
adults
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
this
Linking Words
 situation leads to less guidance and counselling from the elders, the advantages are worth noting. One main benefit of
this
Linking Words
 scenario is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
large
Change the article
a large
show examples
 number of young
adults
Use synonyms
 help in boosting the nations’ economies.
To embark
Fix the infinitive
Embark
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
, the
elder
Correct word choice
elderly
show examples
population
Use synonyms
 has more experience in terms of dealing with life problems and obstacles at
workplace
Add an article
the workplace
show examples
.
As a result
Linking Words
 of having more insights and knowledge about
this
Linking Words
, they are better able to mentor their juniors whenever they are struggling to deal with challenges in
personal
Correct pronoun usage
their personal
show examples
 or professional
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, a dipped older
population
Use synonyms
 leads to a drawback
that
Change preposition
in that
show examples
 the younger brains are deprived of the precious values, ideas, thoughts and guidance which is extremely crucial for the young citizens on their journey to become valuable members of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. As an illustration, young
adults
Use synonyms
 who have worked in collaboration with their
old
Fix the agreement mistake
older
show examples
 seniors are better able to find solutions to problems at their office rather than those who could not work
in
Change preposition
under
show examples
their esteemed guidance. On the flip side,
benefit
Add an article
the benefit
show examples
 of a higher number of young
adults
Use synonyms
 is the presence of
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
, good and
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healthy working class.
This
Linking Words
 means that each organization has many young, talented brains which generate new and contemporary ideas.
Moreover
Linking Words
, these
adults
Use synonyms
 possess many latest skills and are well-versed
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 technological advancements. Ultimately,
this
Linking Words
 young working class leads the company to many profits and successes,
thus
Linking Words
bring
Wrong verb form
bringing
show examples
 in higher profits.
Hence
Linking Words
, in the long
run
Add a comma
run,
show examples
 they play a prime role in bolstering the nation’s
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 status.
For instance
Linking Words
, associations with young employees progress faster as these workers are
highyly
Correct your spelling
highly
 proficient in
use
Add an article
the use
show examples
 of
latest
Correct article usage
the latest
show examples
 technologies like
Artifical
Correct your spelling
Artificial
 Intelligence. To summarize, currently, many nations over the world have a higher
population
Use synonyms
 of young people rather
that
Correct your spelling
than
show examples
 the older ones.
Although
Linking Words
 there are some disadvantages, namely receiving less support from the elder people, the advantages of
this
Linking Words
 scenario
outweight
Correct your spelling
outweigh
 the
disadvantges
Correct your spelling
disadvantages
.
Submitted by vaishnavivardekar2209 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Improve clarity by elaborating further on how young adults specifically boost the economies. Linking technological advances directly with economic benefits more explicitly would provide a stronger argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure consistency in the use of tenses and avoid abrupt changes in sentence structures to maintain smooth flow and readability throughout.
coherence cohesion
The essay effectively introduces the topic and has a conclusive end summarizing the main points.
task achievement
Uses relevant examples, such as the role of artificial intelligence, to support main points, thus providing concrete evidence to arguments put forward.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
Look at other essays: