IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree of disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #cultures #ages
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Many individuals believe that
music
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 is a great way of gathering
people
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 of every
tradition
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 and era as one and I strongly agree with
this
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 statement. In
this
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 essay, I will talk about how
music
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 events can merge every kind of
people
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 at once. One particular musical
event
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 can be enjoyable to every kind of
people
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,
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apply
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 because
musical
Correct article usage
a musical
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event
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 provides a variety of cultural and traditional
music
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 throughout the
event
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.
For instance
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, in a city named Mymensingh, students organized a social
event
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, where various singers
have sung
Wrong verb form
sang
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 many different
songs
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 based on various cultures and traditions, because of that, lots of individuals
from
Change preposition
of
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 every age joined that particular
event
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 and enjoyed together.
However
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, they didn’t
belonged
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belong
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 to the same culture and
tradition
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.
Moreover
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,
music
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 can
also
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 encourage
people
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 to travel in search of traditional
songs
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, where musicians and singers can learn a vast amount of cultural
songs
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 and get to interact with different kinds of
people
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 who
are belong
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belong
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 to other cultures and different ages.
For example
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, many musical bands started to find traditional
songs
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 to recreate their own
music
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. So, they often travel around the world and collaborate with many different kinds of
people
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 and
also
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 collect traditional
music
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 and
songs
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 for their own creations.
Additionally
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, in search of
music
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, those bands were able to meet different types of
people
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. In conclusion,
music
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 is essential in every culture and
tradition
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, because it provides a range of traditional
songs
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 where everyone can enjoy the
music
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 and can stay together as one.
Furthermore
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,
music
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 can encourage
people
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 to travel around the world and collaborate with
people
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 who don't belong to the same
tradition
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.
Submitted by AL NURE FOYZUR REZA SUPRIO on

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task achievement
Expand your introduction to include more context on the topic. This will help set the stage for your argument and engage your reader.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences can be rephrased to improve grammar and reduce redundancy, which will enhance the flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, framing the argument well.
task achievement
You consistently address the topic and provide relevant examples supporting your points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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