IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

More children in developed countries are becoming overweight. This is a serious problem for wealthy countries. Discuss some causes and effects of this problem. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Mostly the younger generation in well-developed nations are becoming obese day by day and
this
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 problem is becoming
a serious issues
Correct the article-noun agreement
a serious issue
serious issues
show examples
 across these countries . There are various reasons associated with
this
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 problem that will be discussed in the upcoming paragraphs
along with
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 the effects of
this
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 issue and
also
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 a solution will
be provide
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be provided
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 to solve
this
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 problem .
First
Correct article usage
The first
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 and Foremost reason
of
Change preposition
for
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 becoming obese in
case
Correct article usage
the case
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 of youngsters in developed countries is
consumption
Add an article
the consumption
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 of fast
food
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 . In foreign countries , children do not
enough
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have enough
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time
Use synonyms
 to prepare
home made
Correct your spelling
homemade
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food
Use synonyms
 because of their busy
lifestyle
Fix the agreement mistake
lifestyles
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. They do not only have the responsibility to manage their studies but
also
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 have to do work for longer hours . So , because of these stressful routines , they always give more preference to consume
food
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that is
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 easy to get . That's why , their eating habits
having
Wrong verb form
have
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 detrimental effects on their health . Another cause of overweight for students who are living abroad is less physical activity . In foreign nations ,
mostly
Correct your spelling
most
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 children try to spend their leisure
time
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 with
the
Correct article usage
apply
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technological gadgets
such
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 as mobile phones , computers and
laptop
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laptops
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 soon .In terms of playing games online rather than going outside in parks or grounds with their friends .
These sedentary lifestyle
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This sedentary lifestyle
These sedentary lifestyles
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 can become
reason
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the reason
a reason
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of
Change preposition
for
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 many health issues like heart and blood pressure problems .
However
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, Students
having
Wrong verb form
have
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 less
time
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in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
abroad because of their work and study life , but with the advent
proper
Change preposition
of proper
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time
Use synonyms
 management skills they can organize
there
Replace the word
their
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things in
more
Correct article usage
a more
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effcetive
Correct your spelling
effective
 way and get proper
time
Use synonyms
 for their physical activities
as well as
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 crucial tasks like preparing home healthy meal .
Thus
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, in
this
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way
Add a comma
way,
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 they will not become the victim of overweight . In conclusion ,
Eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
 students do not have enough
time
Use synonyms
 to prepare
food
Use synonyms
 for themselves
along with
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 less
time
Use synonyms
 for healthy
activies
Correct your spelling
activities
due to
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 their
sendentary
Correct your spelling
sedentary
 lifestyle but with proper guidance and
time
Use synonyms
management
Add a comma
management,
show examples
 they can easily get
time
Use synonyms
 for themselves and reduce the chance of becoming overweight.

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task achievement
Provide specific examples to support your points, perhaps from real-world contexts or personal observations.
coherence cohesion
Ensure all points are clearly linked with transition words or phrases to enhance the flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repetition and make sure each paragraph adds a new dimension to your argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses a relevant topic and discusses causes and effects comprehensively.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and effectively frame the discussion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • calorie intake
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • nutritional understanding
  • overfeeding
  • convenience over nutrition
  • electronic devices
  • dietary choices
  • self-esteem
  • medical expenditure
  • academic success
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