IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

More and more wild animals are on the verge of extinction and others are on the endangered list. What are the reasons for this? What can be done to solve this problem?

#animals #verge #extinction #list
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Nowadays a
lot
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 of
animals
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 are endangered. It is one of the serious issues for the biological environment. The most influential reason is that
people
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 kill creatures and there is pollution of air, water and land. First of all, we need to protect
animals
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 from hunters. Hunting is entertainment for some
people
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.
That is
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 why there are a
lot
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 of special bases for them, where they can catch and kill
animals
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, but these
people
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 want more and murder creatures in places which are not intended for
this
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.
Consequently
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, many species are endangered. One possible approach is to build more nature reserves.
Due to
Linking Words
Linking Words
this
Add a comma
this,
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 we can save a
lot
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 of
animals
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 that can not be killed because of their extinction. You didn’t write your personal example for
this
Linking Words
 cause! The second cause is more complicated
,
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apply
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 because
people
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 need to protect the planet for
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animals
Change the noun form
animal
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 conservation. In modern times we have
such
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 a significant problem as
nature
Replace the word
natural
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 pollution, so we
also
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 need to solve
this
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 issue for
animals
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Rephrase
apply
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also
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.
That is
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 why
people
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 should pay more attention to recycling
of
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apply
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garbage, cleaning up the oceans and building fewer factories.
For instance
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, we can create equipment for cleaning beaches, so rubbish will not fall into the oceans and seas.
That is
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 why
animals
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 that live underwater will not get tangled in plastic and will not die.
Also
Linking Words
, it is not going to happen if we recycle the garbage.
Furthermore
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, if we build fewer factories,
animals
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 on earth will not die because of smoke. There is no personal example again In conclusion, a
lot
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 of endangered creatures die
due to
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human’s
Change noun form
human
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 hands. We are the main reason for these issues and we need to do something about it.
Submitted by khotkina.ma on

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the question and covers the main points, but providing more specific examples or personal anecdotes for your arguments would strengthen your task achievement. Personal examples can illustrate your points more vividly and make your argument more relatable.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay follows a logical structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. However, the connection between the reasons for animal endangerment and the solutions proposed could be stronger. Improve the transitions between paragraphs to enhance coherence and the overall flow of your essay.
task achievement
You clearly identify the reasons why animals are endangered, such as hunting and pollution, and suggest corresponding solutions like establishing nature reserves and focusing on recycling and pollution reduction.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is structured with an introduction and conclusion, and each main idea is addressed in a separate paragraph, which makes it relatively easy to follow.
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