IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high level of sugar, which causes Manu health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #level #sugar #manu #health #people
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
These days, many manufactured foods and drinks contain a large amount of
sugar
, which causes a lot of health issues
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the public. Some
people
 believe that sugary products should be made more costly to encourage
people
 to limit their
sugar
 intake. I completely agree with
this
 statement because it helps
people
 to minimize their
sugar
 intake, and they will find
options
, which are alternatives to sugary
food
. If the
cost
 of sugary
food
 and
drink
 increases,
people
 will decrease the consumption of sugary items because
people
 will be unable to afford them.
People
 will not invest that extra money from their budget, and they will reduce their consumption of sugary
food
 and
drink
.
For example
, in Australia, in 2023, the government imposed extra VAT on sugary items in the market, which increased the purchase
cost
 of
sugar
 for consumers, and the consumption of
sugar
 decreased to around 45% in that year compared to the past 5 years.
Moreover
, increasing the
cost
 of sugary
food
 and
drink
 encourages
people
 to find
options
, which are alternatives to sugary
food
.
People
 will find other
food
 and
drink
options
, which are relatively healthy and contain less
sugar
 or no
sugar
, and
people
 eventually develop the habit of consuming them. It will allow them to develop a habit of eating healthy.
For example
, after increasing the
cost
 of sugary
food
 in Japan,
people
 are inclined to buy more
food
options
, which are healthy and reasonably low-
cost
. In conclusion, sugary
food
 should not be bought at
a lower costs
Correct the article-noun agreement
a lower cost
lower costs
show examples
.
Therefore
, if the
cost
 is high,
people
 will be discouraged
to buy
Change preposition
from buying
show examples
 sugary
food
, and they will find
more alternative
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
cheaper and healthier
options
.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next to maintain the flow of ideas.
task achievement
Develop the conclusion further to reinforce the main points discussed.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear argument in favor of increasing the cost of sugary products to reduce consumption.
task achievement
Examples, such as those from Australia and Japan, add relevance and specificity to support the main argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively summarises the argument.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph contains a central idea and is supported by relevant details.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: