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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In some countries young people are not only richer, but also safer and healtier than ever before. However, they are often less happy and more agiatated in actions and behaviors. what do you think are the reasons for this and what can be done to help?

#countries #people #healtier #actions #behaviors
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In most nations, the new generation is wealthier, more well-being, and less in danger compared to the past.
However
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, it is undeniable that they are less blessed with joy and behave more aggressively toward people around them. I strongly held the effects of technology and social media and
also
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 social expectations accountable for these facts.
First,
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I think the expectation of society leads to high levels of stress. The pressure of having a successful life by thinking they have to achieve a higher education and a well-paid occupation to feel joy makes the juniors more anxious which impacts their
overall
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 happiness and could lead to mental health issues down the road.
Furthermore
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, the development of digital devices can be another reason for feeling lonely among the young ones by the lack of real-world communication. As online interaction increases, face-to-face social interaction decreases which could lead to feeling isolated and lonelier. To resolve these problems, one solution is providing better mental health support and resources for young people. Schools, universities or even most workplaces could offer counselling services and workshops to manage anxiety and stress.
In addition
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, encouraging offline activities
such
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 as community service or outdoor sports could be another solution. These activities can give immature individuals a feeling of purpose and a sense of belonging.
For example
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, volunteering in a charity, like feeding homeless people and making a difference in their lives alongside others makes them happier. In conclusion, in my point of view, social expectations and online activities have crucial effects on the mental health of the young generation which leads to them feeling less joy and being more detached in regard to society.
Submitted by mh.emrani on

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task achievement
Consider diving deeper into the specific social and technological factors negatively impacting young people's happiness and behavior, providing more examples or case studies to enrich your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next, using linking words to improve the flow of your essay.
task achievement
Clarify the distinction between 'offline activities' and other solutions to avoid repetition and ensure clarity in your reasoning.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction clearly outlines the problem and acknowledges the dual nature of the issue, establishing a strong foundation for your argument.
task achievement
You effectively addressed the task by identifying two main reasons contributing to young people’s current state and provided solutions for each.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion succinctly summarizes your points, reinforcing your argument without repeating it verbatim.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • competitive environment
  • societal expectations
  • educational pressures
  • job market competition
  • pervasive influence
  • social media
  • feelings of inadequacy
  • emotional fulfillment
  • lack of purpose
  • real-world connections
  • community support
  • digital interactions
  • mental health support
  • stress management
  • emotional resilience
  • offline activities
  • community service
  • outdoor sports
  • sense of belonging
  • holistic education
  • academic achievements
  • digital literacy
  • self-esteem
  • mental well-being
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