IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Computers are being used more and more in education. Some people say that this is a positive trend, while others argue that it is leading to negative consequences. Discuss both sides of this argument and then give your own opinion.

#computers #education #people #trend #consequences #argument
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Many
people
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 around the world are having health problems because they eat too much fast
food
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,
therefore
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, In
this
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essay
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essay,
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 I am going to argue why
governments
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 should implement
taxes
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 on that
type
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 of ailment.
Firstly
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, one of the reasons why so many
people
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 are eating junk
food
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 is because its prices are so accessible,
consequently
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, if these
aliments
Correct your spelling
ailments
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 have higher prices it is very probable that
people
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 are going to think twice before buying it.
In addition
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, it is well known that fast
food
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 is not healthy,
therefore
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, there has to be some
type
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 of solution that makes its production lower.
Secondly
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, if
governments
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 apply
taxes
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 on
this
Linking Words
type
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 of unhealthy
food
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 the business that sells it is not going to be that rentable.
Therefore
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, companies like McDonalds, Burger King or KFC are not going to have the amount of locals that they have in just one city. And, someone could argue that
this
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type
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 of policy would provoke many unemployees, but
that is
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 why
governments
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 need to have a solution before approving
this
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 policy.
However
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, there is another flaw that has to be solved before imposing
taxes
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 on junk
food
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. Because a big part of the
people
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 consume
this
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type
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 of meal do not have the money to buy something healthier.
Consequently
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,
governments
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 should
also
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 give facilities to
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 citizens to be able to buy healthy
food
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. In conclusion, in my
opinion
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opinion,
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 if
governments
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 want to combat obesity and
health
Correct article usage
the health
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 problems that fast
food
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 is causing in many
people
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, one alternative is implementing
taxes
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, but at the same
time
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time,
show examples
this
Linking Words
 policy needs to have a solution for all the flaws that may cause.
Submitted by samuel.vicuna2003l on

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task achievement
Ensure that examples and explanations are specific and relevant to the argument being made. For instance, when discussing the accessibility of fast food prices, provide real-world statistics or scenarios to strengthen the argument.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on the solutions proposed for the potential unemployment caused by taxing fast food, as well as how governments could help people afford healthier options.
coherence cohesion
Add more linking words or phrases to guide the reader through the arguments and examples. This will help improve the logical flow of the essay.
coherence cohesion
Enhance the coherence by clearly distinguishing between the contrasting views presented and how they contribute to your final opinion.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction clearly outlines the main topic and presents the writer's stance effectively.
logical structure
The essay is organized with distinct paragraphs for each main point, maintaining a coherent structure.
introduction conclusion present
The conclusion effectively summarizes the essay and restates the writer’s opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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