IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

An increasing number of people are preferring to eat fast food regularly, it causes a lot of heath issues. Some people think the only solution is to ban it completely. Do you agree or disagree?

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These days, the number of people who like to eat ready-made
food
Use synonyms
 is climbing;
however
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, the figure of health problems that are a result of these eating habits is rising. A group of people think that the best way that solve
this
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 matter is that forbidden to eat . I do not subscribe to
this
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 perspective owing to the fact that the public loses their jobs and removing items encourages people to use them more. On the one hand, a majority of the population works in fast
food
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 restaurants or factories like McDonald's;
consequently
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, when the governments ban eating fast
food
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,
then
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 a lot of employment opportunities are reduced. In fact, convenience
food
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 is the big industries that create a lot of job opportunities for communities.
For example
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, KFC, the main international brand of fast
food
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, have a number of worker in their stores across the world.
On the other hand
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, the fact
that is
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 really important is that when limited communities from doing work,
such
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 as eating fast
food
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, they are encouraged to do it more.
In other words
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, authorities have to follow new policies that promote healthier meal options. To illustrate, if the price of fresh vegetables, fruits, and so on reduces, the population prefer using these items in their diet
instead
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 of eating fast
food
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.
To sum up
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, in my opinion, governments around the world must not remove fast
food
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 industries inasmuch as these sectors have a lot of employees.
In addition
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, outright bans persuade the community to eat more;
however
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, when they change their politics by lowering the price of healthy ingredients, they prefer to eat them more.

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure that each paragraph clearly transitions from one idea to the next. Using transitional phrases at the beginning of paragraphs can help guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
While your essay addresses the prompt, consider elaborating more on alternative solutions. This would enhance your task achievement score by providing a more complete response.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are clearly defined and summarize the main points effectively.
task achievement
Your essay provides relevant and specific examples, like KFC and McDonald's, which reinforce your argument.
coherence cohesion
You maintained a clear structure with distinct body paragraphs. Each contains a main point supported by examples or explanations.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity
  • diabetes
  • heart disease
  • nutritional value
  • affordability
  • convenience
  • appealing choice
  • unemployment
  • industry revenues
  • consumer choices
  • regulating
  • nutritional content
  • balanced approach
  • healthy food options
  • incentivize
  • dependency
  • community initiatives
  • urban farming
  • cooking classes
  • outright ban
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