revise-----------------Some people think that in modern society individuals are becoming more dependent on each other, while others say that individuals are becoming more independent of each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
One of the heated debates is about human relationships in today's society, with some people believing it has become more individualistic,
while
others argue the opposite. Linking Words
This
essay will discuss both points of view and give my own perspective.
On one hand, the reason modern society does not rely on one another is Linking Words
due to
technological advancements. Linking Words
This
enables crowds to carry out various activities without the hassle of asking other people for help. Linking Words
For example
, individuals may no longer need to ask for directions when travelling to a new place, as online maps provide all the necessary routes for users. Linking Words
As a result
, they become more independent and are able to overcome problems by themselves.
Linking Words
On the other hand
, some crowds believe that rather than becoming independent, citizens are growing more dependent on each other Linking Words
due to
an increasing trend of prioritising social validation. The existence of social media can foster a sense of dependence on others' approval. Linking Words
For example
, individuals often share their activities or achievements on Instagram, seeking validation through likes, comments, and an increasing follower count. Linking Words
Consequently
, Linking Words
this
can lead to social comparison and a lifestyle focus on people's judgement, which indirectly means they need someone else.
In conclusion, in my opinion, Linking Words
although
some argue that modern communities either tend to rely on each other or the opposite, I believe Linking Words
this
habit is evolving at the same level, and its function has shifted. In the past, almost everyone needed each other for physical assistance with tasks they could not manage alone. Linking Words
However
, today, individuals can accomplish many things independently. Linking Words
Instead
, reliance on others has towards mental, Linking Words
such
as maintaining interactions between sellers and buyers.Linking Words
Submitted by nineband9s on
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coherence cohesion
Remember to better clarify some ideas. For instance, the concluding paragraph may confuse readers, as it lacks proper transitions.
coherence cohesion
Consider strengthening the topic sentences to better align with the main ideas of each paragraph.
task response
Try to integrate more specific examples and evidence to back up the points. An example from a research study or a real-life scenario could provide stronger support.
task response
The essay presents both views clearly, allowing the reader to understand the different perspectives on the topic.
coherence cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion, providing a summarised perspective and closing thoughts on the discussion.
task response
The examples used, such as social media's impact on dependency, are relevant to the topic and make the argument engaging.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.