IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Multicultural societies, where people of different groups live together, bring more benefits than drawbacks to a country. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#societies #people #groups #country
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In recent years, we can easily find
people
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 from another country.
For example
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, we have restaurants based in Italy, India, Thailand, etc in Itawon, Seoul. Various backgrounds make our society more colourful and thanks to them, things like
racism
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 are now decreasing. In my opinion, multicultural societies bring a lot of benefits than disadvantages to our world for two reasons.
Firstly
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,
people
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 from diverse cultures can pay a courtesy call on
racism
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.
Racism
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 comes from ignorance and rudeness about cultures. Hanging or working with
people
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 from another background can help us to understand each other and that can make our work more efficient. From my experience, I've been studying with foreign students in my high school. As soon as I worked on my school projects about social discrimination, I naturally became closer to them. I could understand their feelings about
racism
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 and discrimination as a foreigner through conversations with my international friends.
Secondly
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, we can create more jobs by interacting with international workers. Nowadays, almost every company depends on their international partnerships. In
this
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 case, if we have a person or
people
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 who can communicate with them will make the work a lot easier. Task achievements based on cultural understandings can facilitate complex requests
such
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 as a database summary for their works. To summarise, I strongly agree about multicultural societies because of the easy interaction between work and the prevention of
racism
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.
Submitted by ihjung2000 on

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task achievement
While you introduced your ideas well and provided examples, try to delve deeper into how multicultural societies specifically impact various aspects like economy, education, and local communities. This would make your argument more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Although your essay is quite well-organized, consider using transition words more frequently to enhance the flow between different ideas, ensuring smoother coherence.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction is clear and effectively sets the stage for your discussion on multicultural societies. This aids in orienting the reader.
task achievement
The use of personal experience enriches your essay, making your argument more relatable and credible.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural exchange
  • cultural fabric
  • traditions and perspectives
  • innovation
  • economic growth
  • social cohesion
  • tolerance and understanding
  • unity in diversity
  • cultural clashes
  • language barriers
  • multilingualism
  • integration
  • translation services
  • prejudice
  • diversity
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