IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. Do you agree or disagree? Write an essay (of about 300 words) to state your own opinion.

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In some cultures, it is widely believed that children can succeed in every area if they try to make enough effort. In my perspective, I partly agree with
this
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 belief for the following reasons. On one hand, it is reasonable to instil
this
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 message since an attempt develops willpower. Hard work is one of the key factors to motivate an individual to realize his goal coming into reality
,
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 and fulfil his life to the fullest.
Accordingly
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, a person may be incentivized to continue getting through the difficulties, until he reaches his aim.
For example
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, professional footballers, like Christiano Ronaldo, have spent many consecutive years honing their skills to become top athletes. Without persistence and training, they could never achieve
such
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 enormous success.
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, the former advice overlooks the possibility of being ineffective. Working hard but without mindful plans can lead to misdirection and out-of-focus interest, resulting in a less efficient outcome.
For instance
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, if a person's job is to write a report, one might make a very elaborate 100-page report, beautifully redacted with graphs.
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, the problem is nobody reads 100-page reports, so all his
effort
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 will not have any effect.
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, strenuous actions alone might not support people to attain accomplishments but other factors do,
such
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 as luck, talent and individual appropriateness. To exemplify, in a running competition, despite doing the best, a participant could be overpowered by his opponent
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 the incident in his physical body. All things considered, it requires not only exertion but
also
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 suitable ways for improvement, alongside other elements.
Consequently
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, the young can be able to get to many things.

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Task Achievement
In the introduction, you've clearly stated your opinion, which is great. To improve, ensure that your opinions are equally balanced between agreeing and disagreeing if you're partly agreeing. This can make the essay more comprehensive and convincing.
Coherence and Cohesion
Some sentences could be more concise to enhance clarity. Consider breaking down complex sentences into simpler ones for better readability.
Task Achievement
Make sure all examples are directly linked and explicitly explained in relation to the argument they support.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in guiding the reader through your arguments.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay is logically structured with clear main points.
Task Achievement
Relevant examples like the reference to Christiano Ronaldo add weight to your arguments and make them relatable.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Perseverance
  • Resilience
  • Self-esteem
  • Confidence
  • Goal-setting
  • Work ethic
  • Ambitious
  • Unrealistic expectations
  • Frustration
  • Inadequate
  • Overemphasis
  • Stress
  • Pressure
  • Mental health
  • Resource availability
What to do next:
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