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Band 9

Some people think that the increase in the number of obese people should be the responsibility of the governments, while other think it should be the responsibility of individuals. Discuss both sides and give your opinion

#people #responsibility #governments #individuals
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Obesity
Use synonyms
 rates have been considerably increasing, and some
people
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 claim that it should be the government’s responsibility to address
this
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 issue,
while
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 others argue that it is a personal matter and should be handled individually. In my opinion, I strongly contend that it is a personal problem since they are the ones who take charge of their consumption. The government can effectively establish a regulation to control the obese population by limiting fattening food that contains higher fat levels.
This
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 can be done by inspecting the ingredients of the meal, which will indirectly influence
people
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’s consumption of fattening products as it can reduce the risk of
obesity
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.
For example
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, in South Korea, there is an implementation of a food labelling system that shows the number of fattening substances so that
people
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 become more aware of managing their weight.
Therefore
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, the more controllable they are, the fewer the number of obese population would be.
On the other hand
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, individuals are suggested to implement a balanced diet because they know their bodies and daily meals more deeply. They can take a suitable approach to making losing-weight plans that will not harm them during the process as they can maintain and explore their own necessities independently. To exemplify, some
people
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 who get chronic diseases
due to
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obesity
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 will slowly realize it is their responsibility to maintain their health.
As a result
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, they change their habits by having proper meals and healthy food choices.
To conclude
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, the government will certainly support
people
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 to overcome
obesity
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 by providing strict regulations that can encourage them to monitor their meals.
Nevertheless
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, I consider that paying attention to one’s body would be a viable measure as the individual can solve the problems by oneself and find the most effective solution.
Submitted by hanalyaa29 on

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task achievement
You have clearly outlined both sides of the argument and presented your opinion logically, which reflects a complete response to the task.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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