IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

In a number of countries, some people think it is necessary to spend large sum of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. Others believe the money should be spent on improving existing public transport. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
There is a widely held view that the transportation system has been advancing extensively, which sparks
community's
Correct article usage
the community's
show examples
 arguments about the allocation of funds, whether to establish a modern method by constructing new railway lines or focusing on existing ones.
Thus
Linking Words
, I
wholheartedly
Correct your spelling
wholeheartedly
 believe that prioritizing financial resources for existing public transport would be more effective because it will enhance the passenger's pleasure by making it more comfortable.
Body paragraph 1
A high-speed railway line will make commuting efficient and more convenient since it will not require
people
Use synonyms
 more hours waiting and transporting between two distant areas, particularly for individuals who reside far away from their workplaces and
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have to get there on time.
For instance
Linking Words
, the fast train from Bandung to Jakarta in Indonesia only takes approximately one hour for more than 100 kilometres.
Hence
Linking Words
, it would be an alternative method for those who regularly travel long distances, saving their precious time for other activities.
Body paragraph 2
However
Linking Words
, enhancing other public transportation would appear to be a viable option, which
also
Linking Words
 involves other related facilities,
such
Linking Words
 as busways.
This
Linking Words
 can be done by improving the quality of facilities and services that it provides to the public, which can significantly increase passenger satisfaction and attract more
people
Use synonyms
 to utilize mass transport rather than their personal
vehicle
Fix the agreement mistake
vehicles
show examples
. To illustrate, the development of bus stations, in terms of amenities and high-quality services in Indonesia, has driven
people
Use synonyms
 to use buses as their regular transit.
This
Linking Words
 is proven by the increase in the number of
people
Use synonyms
 commuting by bus in recent years.
Conclusion
To summarize, implementing fast railway lines might bring benefits in terms of time, but it only affects some particular individuals, especially workers.
Otherwise
Linking Words
, improving other transportation would widely impact public satisfaction
though
Rephrase
apply
show examples
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your introduction clearly outlines the two views and offers your opinion. However, ensure better alignment between your opinion and the arguments presented in the body paragraphs to make your stance more evident throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph clearly supports the central argument with a topic sentence. The transition between discussing high-speed trains and improving existing transport could be smoother with linking phrases.
coherence cohesion
To improve logical structure, consider a balanced discussion where each view is given equal weight before providing your conclusion. This will present a more impartial examination before your opinion.
task achievement
The essay effectively includes specific examples, especially the mention of the Bandung to Jakarta train in Indonesia, which adds depth to your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that articulate your opinion effectively, giving a satisfactory closure to the discussion.
task achievement
The points made are relevant and support the task effectively, focusing on aspects like commuter satisfaction and the time efficiency of high-speed trains.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: