IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. why is this the case? do you think this is a positive or negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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With the fast development that happened in our lives having a mobile phone become easier nowadays
As a result
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 young people around the world have different devices and they spend
hours
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 using them every
day
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. I extremely believe that using phone for a long
hours
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 is a waste of
time
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 that has a negative impact on children.
Firstly
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, the smartphone is the main reason for distracting students from doing their homework and studying. They will use it without having a balance between studying and having fun.
For example
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, when they use social media, they will be moving from one app to another, which will make them lose lots of
time
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as a result
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 the
day
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 will end without doing something useful.
Also
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, spending long
hours
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 on smart devices causes a negative effect on our health,
such
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 as suffering from obesity.
For example
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, people will spend most of their
time
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 sitting for many
hours
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day
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 after
day
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 they will become fat beside of having some eye problems because of the strong rays that come from the screen of devices. In conclusion, people should be more responsible by organizing their
time
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 in a way that doesn't affect their health negatively
Submitted by khoulaalshanfari on

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task achievement
The essay discusses why children spend hours on their smartphones, but the explanations are quite general. Try to provide more specific reasons based on studies or expert opinions.
task achievement
The essay lacks depth in describing whether this development is positive or negative. Adding contrasting views or exceptions could strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next. Consider using linking words and phrases more consistently to improve the flow of your ideas.
coherence cohesion
The points raised in your essay are relevant, but they could be elaborated further to effectively convey your stance. Offer more examples or elaborate on existing ones.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has both an introduction and a conclusion, successfully framing the discussion.
task achievement
You address the issue of smartphones impacting students' study habits, which is a relevant point under the topic's requirements.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
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