IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Obesity is a growing problem around the world. Why is this? What can be done about it.

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The
obesity
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 rate has been increasing, leading it to become a global problem.
This
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 is because
people
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 tend to choose junk
food
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 that can negatively affect their body composition.
However
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,
people
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 can be encouraged to maintain their bodies by facilitating them with educational sessions that promote mindfulness. Unbalanced diets and unhealthy
food
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 that
people
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 consume contribute to the risk of
obesity
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. One major factor behind
this
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 is that
people
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 opt for fast
food
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 that mainly contains fattening substances
such
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 as fat, sugar, and salt as they find it delicious and can be obtained more easily than making home-cooked
food
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 by using organic ingredients.
For instance
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, in the U.S., the fast-
food
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 industry has been growing extensively since it has a lot of customers and offers various products to them, which urges
people
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 to consume them.
As a result
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, the number of obese
people
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 has significantly increased alongside the developments in the fast-
food
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 industry.
Moreover
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, educational initiatives through campaigns about the drawbacks of
obesity
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 can be a viable option. In
this
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 way,
people
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 can be educated about the long-term impacts that can cause chronic diseases and bad eating
behaviors
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behaviours
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, enhancing their awareness and slowly altering their eating habits. To exemplify, many communities in Indonesia have been appearing to share valuable insights about
obesity
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 and how to address it as they provide numerous engaging activities, including seminars, training, and more, which eventually help them maintain their bodies and can reduce the number of obese
people
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.
Thus
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, the more support and knowledge
people
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 can have, the more
people
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 care for their health, which is why educating them is crucial.
To conclude
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, the high consumption of unhealthy
food
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due to
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 the existence of fast
food
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 steers
people
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 away from nutritious
food
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, which leads to
obesity
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. If they are provided with crucial information about
obesity
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, they will better understand its importance and downsides to tackle it more effectively.

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coherence cohesion
The main points are generally well supported, but try to use more varied examples or perhaps provide additional data to strengthen your argument further.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical flow between some ideas to make the essay even more cohesive.
task achievement
Ensure every part of the task is fully and effectively answered by exploring more solutions to the problem of obesity, beyond what you have already mentioned.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing the discussion.
task achievement
Main points are well-articulated and supported by relevant examples, making the response comprehensive.
task achievement
The essay shows a good understanding of the topic by addressing the causes of obesity and suggesting practical solutions.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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