IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

What's the right age for parents to get their kids a cell phone? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#right #age #parents #kids #cell #phone
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In
this
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 modern era, smartphone usage has become a big problem for
parents
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 of
childeren
Correct your spelling
children
. There is no exact
time
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 of age of
children
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 when
parents
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 can give
phones
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 but the guardians can limit the excessive usage of the devices.
To begin
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 with, some
parents
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 may think that the right age to buy mobile
phones
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 for their
children
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 is after they finish school, as they think they are becoming mature enough to be able to differentiate between what they need and what they do not.
However
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,
this
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 may be in favour of thirty to forty per cent of pupils but not to 90 %. Guardians can control their
time
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 limit of using smart devices so that they can have enough
time
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 to devote to their studies and sports.
For example
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, during the pandemic, kids had no option of going out of the home.
Children
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 who had their own
phones
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 spent most of their
time
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 on smartphones,
while
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 others who did not have
phones
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 tried to somehow entertain themselves during
this
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 difficult period.
In addition
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,
parents
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 should monitor their
children
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 after giving them mobile
phones
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 and using two-step protection in the app store so that they cannot download any application without their manager's permission.
For example
Linking Words
, some
parents
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 have been given access to Family
link
Capitalize word
Link
show examples
 to check what their
children
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 are doing on the phone and they can check on their
children
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 at any
time
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.
This
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 prevents their
children
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 from doing work that they should not do.
o
Correct your spelling
To
conclude
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conclusion
show examples
, there is no right
time
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 when
children
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 can have their own
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 but
parents
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 can put some restrictions on the
using
Replace the word
use
show examples
 of mobiles.
Submitted by i.nureddinn on

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coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow by ensuring each paragraph smoothly transitions to the next. This could involve using more linking words or phrases.
task achievement
Enhance the argument by including more specific examples or data to support the points, as this will make the argument more compelling.
task achievement
Clarify ideas further to ensure comprehensive communication, particularly in contrasting different perspectives or approaches.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, providing good structure to the response.
task achievement
The response adequately covers the task, addressing the issue of the right age for giving children a phone and includes considerations around managing usage.
task achievement
There is an attempt to provide examples from knowledge and experience, which enriches the argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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