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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that competition at work at school and in daily life is a good thing. Other believe that we should try to cooperate more, rather than competing against each other. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #competition #work #school #life
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While
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 some citizens believe that it is better to do competitions on a daily basis rather than cooperate with others. In my opinion,
although
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people
Use synonyms
 fight each other to reach higher achievement in their careers or for some goals, I think employees, students or many communities might try to cooperate more to create a peaceful situation,
although
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 it takes longer.
Firstly
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, citizens prefer to compete with one another to gain more achievement in their lives.
This
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 phenomenon become popular because nowadays
people
Use synonyms
 are more ambitious to make their world better.
Therefore
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, competing with others can increase resilience and develop the mental of individuals.
For example
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, some employees fight with their colleagues to raise their careers, students compete with friends to achieve the best rank in the class. And, some
people
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 believe when they achieve their goals, they can prove their skills to their parents or bosses.
Furthermore
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, sometimes parents give their children a target to achieve in their academics from year to year.
On the other hand
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, I think in some parts of
this
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 world,
people
Use synonyms
 should try to collaborate with others to gain peaceful conditions and other beneficial things.
However
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, for some citizens, it is very hard to collaborate with colleagues because they might not have the same way of thinking.
Therefore
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, when
people
Use synonyms
 work in a good environment, they can solve problems very well and become innovative at the same time.
For instance
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, when an employee finds hard situations in their office, their colleagues would help them find the right solutions and connections at the same time. In my conclusion, both perspectives hold merits.
While
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 competition is crucial for individuals to achieve their goals, they should build connections and peaceful situations to build a good environment.
Thus
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, in
this
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 life, individuals should build more connections and collaborations rather than fighting because there are many risks can appear.
Submitted by suryawatinovita on

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coherence cohesion
The essay should weave the two opposing views more seamlessly throughout the discussion, perhaps by contrasting examples or integrating them within paragraphs.
task achievement
Clarify and expand on some ideas to improve comprehension, particularly how cooperation can create a peaceful situation and what 'peaceful' entails.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced discussion of both competitive and cooperative views.
coherence cohesion
An effective introduction and conclusion are present, clearly stating the writer’s stance.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • innovation
  • productivity
  • excel
  • outperform
  • advancements
  • academic standards
  • work ethic
  • stress
  • anxiety
  • unhealthy rivalries
  • harmonious
  • supportive
  • collaborative learning
  • social skills
  • communication skills
  • sense of community
  • collective goals
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