IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some argue that public health services should focus on treating the sick, while others think they should focus more on preventive measures. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#argue #health #services #focus #measures
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There are some
debats
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debates
debits
 around the
comunity
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community
 medicine people who
is
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are
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 concerned only about treating
the
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apply
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diseases.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, some
seeing
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saw
show examples
 that focusing on prevention of the illnesses is most important. In
this
Linking Words
essay
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essay,
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 I will talk about both views in
details
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detail
show examples
. The hope
in
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of
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the
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apply
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future medicine is to prevent and early detection of any disease. But in order to happen protective measures should take place in the health care system.
Moreover
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,
discoveing
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discovering
 a disease and
start
Wrong verb form
starting
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 to
prvent
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prevent
 it from spreading between people will decrease the financial load on the
goverment
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government
 that
coasts
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costs
show examples
 them
alot
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a lot
 of
money
Use synonyms
 to treat
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sick patients.
For example
Linking Words
, during the COVID-19
pandemic
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pandemic,
show examples
 the virus started in one country but
due to
Linking Words
defect
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defects
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 in the health
system
Add a comma
system,
show examples
 it
spreaded
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spread
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 all over the world
,
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apply
show examples
 and
coasts
Verb problem
cost
show examples
 the
goverments
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governments
government
 alot of
money
Use synonyms
 on tests, treatments and
equipments
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equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
. On the opposite side, some doctors prefer to put their energy
on
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into
show examples
 treating
the
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apply
show examples
sick patients. Because of the lack
in
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of
show examples
the
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apply
show examples
govermental
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governmental
 funds
that
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apply
show examples
needed for hospital resources and for the
researches
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research
show examples
that
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apply
show examples
needed to prevent diseases too the health care provider likes to save all the
money
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 for labs, treatment and other
heslth
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health
institutions
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institution
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 needs rather than spending the
money
Use synonyms
 on
experements
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experiments
 that their results will be seen in years.
Finally
Linking Words
, I stand with taking care of the sick people and try to
provid
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provide
 them with all their needs
instead
Linking Words
 of
waisting
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wasting
show examples
the
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apply
show examples
resources on
researches
Fix the agreement mistake
research
show examples
 that will show a result
atfer
Correct your spelling
after
 decades or
may be
Correct your spelling
maybe
show examples
 not.
Submitted by dr.wessam_jamal on

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task achievement
Aim to develop your ideas more fully in each paragraph. This will provide a clearer and more comprehensive response.
task achievement
Ensure that your examples are specific and directly related to the points you are making to enhance relevance.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating a more logical flow in your arguments to improve coherence.
task achievement
You have included both sides of the argument, discussing both preventive measures and treatment of the sick.
coherence cohesion
The essay is structured with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion which enhances readability.
task achievement
The COVID-19 example is relevant and helps illustrate your point about preventive measures.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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