IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people spend a lot of money on sports and cultural events. Is it good or bad? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

#people #money #sports #events
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Many
people
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 spend too much
money
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 on
sports
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as well as
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 cultural
events
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 . I believe it is good in many aspects of life . In
this
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 essay, I will support my opinion with some reasons and examples .
To begin
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 with , spending
money
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 on
sports
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 and cultural
events
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 leads to achieving huge benefits
such
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 as improving mental health and broadening
people
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's perspectives, regarding the well-being there were scientific studies that measured how
sports
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 and adventure activities made a significant change in
people
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's mood when
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
compared between two groups of students and the students who had spend
money
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 on
sports
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 were had excellent performance and high markers .
In addition
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 to that there was a result from the same studies showcased that watching football
match
Fix the agreement mistake
matches
show examples
 could be treatment
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 many
people
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 like someone who
had
Wrong verb form
has
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 depression because it secretes the happiness hormone. With regards to expanding
people
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's thoughts , cultural
events
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 show different backgrounds and traditions, which can be a great opportunity to learn about another culture and make relationships with many
people
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 .
For example
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, when I was looking for a job , I participated in Chinese
events
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 which reflects my entire career meanwhile , I engaged with
people
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 and made my way to finding a job easier than
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 thought and I took the advantages from many jobs I had received. In conclusion . Spending
money
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 on
sports
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 and cultural
events
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 has many benefits for human health and social aspects which are good ways to enhance and improve your life in general ,
however
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, the balance between the two is essential to controlling your financial status from collapse or any future risks.
Submitted by rwnalanezi on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear central idea or topic sentence to improve logical structure.
Task Achievement
Clarify and elaborate on points with more detailed explanations and examples where necessary.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use more varied linking words to enhance cohesion between ideas and sentences.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction clearly states your opinion and sets up the essay's focus.
Task Achievement
Examples provided enhance the arguments and demonstrate a good understanding of the topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points and provides a personal reflection.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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