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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below gives information about the percentage of the population in four Asian countries living in cities from 1970 to 2020, with predictions for 2030 and 2040.

The graph below gives information about the percentage of the population in four Asian countries living in cities from 1970 to 2020, with predictions for 2030 and 2040.
#information #percentage #population #four #asian #countries #cities #predictions
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The line graph illustrates the total
population
Use synonyms
 living in the cities of the Philippines, Malaysia, Thailand, and Indonesia commencing 1970 to 2020 with
twenty
Use synonyms
years
Use synonyms
predictions
Change preposition
of predictions
show examples
.
Overall
Linking Words
, it can be seen that the
population
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 of these Asian countries showed a significant rise of
population
Use synonyms
 in the next
twenty
Use synonyms
years
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, particularly Malaysia. The
population
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 of Malaysia was approximately 30% in 1970 and sharply increased
about
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to about
show examples
 75% in 2020 , and is predicted to soar
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 80% in 2040. Meanwhile, the proportion of
Indonesian
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Indonesians
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 living in the cities was approximately 12% in 1970 and gradually increased over the period given,
while
Linking Words
 it is
also
Linking Words
 predicted that between 2030-2040 the
population
Use synonyms
 will rise to 60%.
In contrast
Linking Words
, the
population
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 in the Philippines experienced a decline in percentages from 30% in 1970, it rose to almost 50% after
twenty
Use synonyms
years
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;
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 it
also
Linking Words
 exhibited a slight
decreased
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decrease
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 to 40% in 2010 and is expected to grow
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 55% in the
last
Linking Words
years
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, occupancy in
city
Add an article
the city
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 of Thailand started at 19% and gradually
grow
Wrong verb form
grew
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 to almost 30% in 1990 ,
remained
Wrong verb form
remaining
show examples
 stable to less than 30% until 2020, in the next
twenty
Use synonyms
years
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 Thailand's
population
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 is expected to rise at 55%.
Submitted by roycelparaiso on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words population, twenty, years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "rise" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "gradually" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • graph
  • percentage
  • population
  • Asian countries
  • living in cities
  • 1970
  • 2020
  • predictions
  • 2030
  • 2040
  • introduction
  • overview
  • trend
  • body paragraph
  • compare
  • predicted percentages
  • summarize
  • closing statement
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