IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Parents should not pressure their children to choose particular profession. Young people should have the freedom to choose path they like. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#parents #pressure #children #profession #people #freedom #path
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There has been
ongonig
Correct your spelling
ongoing
 debate about whether youngsters have to pick their future jobs. Some argue that
children
Use synonyms
 have to choose freely their future,
while
Linking Words
 others believe that
they
Add a verb
they are
they were
show examples
 still immature to big decisions like that.
While
Linking Words
 I agree that choosing a
profession
Use synonyms
dapands
Correct your spelling
depends
 solely on young
preferance
Correct your spelling
preference
 and which job will provide them with both
happines
Correct your spelling
happiness
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and productive
life
Use synonyms
. I believe other factors
such
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 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 guidance, and
consulation
Correct your spelling
consultation
also
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 play a significant role in helping them decide wisely without any type of pressure. One significant reason why I agree to be a
Use synonyms
children free
Add a hyphen
children-free
show examples
decision
Use synonyms
 is that they will live for the next 40 years in
this
Linking Words
profssion
Correct your spelling
profession
. We need to put
ourselfs
Correct your spelling
ourselves
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their shoes
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 when they live the next 40 years they need to live it based on their own
decision
Use synonyms
, which will make them more productive in their
profession
Use synonyms
, and happier in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
life
Use synonyms
.
For instance
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, football players most of the time fight
parents
Correct pronoun usage
their parents
show examples
 regarding their
choose
Replace the word
choice
show examples
 to be
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
a profession player
profession players
show examples
profession
Use synonyms
 players,
while
Linking Words
 they dream
to master
Change preposition
of mastering
show examples
 the game, their
parents
Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
show examples
 thoughts and hopes go towards other professions
such
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 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 Dentistry, or engineering.
This
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 clearly shows that
,
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apply
show examples
 regardless of our good
intensions
Correct your spelling
intentions
show examples
 to help our
children
Use synonyms
 to
enroll
Change the spelling
enrol
show examples
 in the best
colleages
Correct your spelling
colleagues
colleges
, which in turn leads to
prestigious
Add an article
the prestigious
show examples
Use synonyms
profession
Fix the agreement mistake
professions
show examples
, we need to look
it
Change preposition
at it
show examples
 from another angle. which is after all, who is going to live
this
Linking Words
life
Use synonyms
 me or my child ? Another reason why choose a particular
profession
Use synonyms
 is
Use synonyms
children
Change noun form
children's
show examples
 own
decision
Use synonyms
that is
Linking Words
 valuable beyond just salary is that
enhance
Correct subject-verb agreement
enhances
show examples
 personal development and responsibility.
Use synonyms
Decision making
Add a hyphen
Decision-making
show examples
result
Fix the agreement mistake
results
show examples
 in
resbonsibility
Correct your spelling
responsibility
, and
increase
Wrong verb form
increased
show examples
confidance
Correct your spelling
confidence
. studies have shown that people
Correct pronoun usage
who chose
show examples
chose
Wrong verb form
choose
show examples
 their
profession
Use synonyms
 tend to score higher
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
Correct article usage
the happines
show examples
happines
Correct your spelling
happiness
 scale, and have a wider perspective
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the world. To demonstrate that,
Use synonyms
decision making
Add a hyphen
decision-making
show examples
contributea
Correct your spelling
contribute
contributed
contributes
 significantly
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 taking responsibility which
led
Wrong verb form
leads
show examples
 to
happier
Add an article
a happier
show examples
life
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 some people argue that,
selection
Correct article usage
the selection
show examples
 of the future
carrer
Correct your spelling
career
 is part of
Correct article usage
the parents
show examples
parents
Change noun form
parents'
parent's
show examples
 responsibility, I firmely believe that
select
Replace the word
selection
show examples
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 to be a
child
Change noun form
child's
show examples
responsability
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 without any type of pressure.
Consequencly
Correct your spelling
Consequently
 lead to
happier
Add an article
a happier
show examples
, and
productive
Correct quantifier usage
more productive
show examples
life
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by m.e.a1434 on

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task achievement
Improve spelling and grammar. There are spelling errors and grammatical inaccuracies that need attention, such as 'ongoning' (should be 'ongoing'), 'dapands' (should be 'depends'), 'profssion' (should be 'profession'), 'colleages' (should be 'colleges'), and 'responsability' (should be 'responsibility').
coherence cohesion
Refine the logical structure of your arguments. Transitions between ideas should be smoother to enhance the logical progression of your essay.
task achievement
Use more specific examples. While the football player example is relevant, adding more diverse examples could strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
Your introduction provides a clear position and outlines the key arguments you'll develop.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively summarises your stance and the key points discussed.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a logical flow of ideas and solid argumentation, maintaining relevance to the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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