IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

The personal information of many individuals is held by large internet companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages. (Hà Vy)

#information #individuals #internet #companies #organisations #outweigh #hà #vy
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In the modern era, technology is more developed and it is used widely by
people
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.
Internet
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companies
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 and
organisations
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 hold
personal
Correct article usage
the personal
show examples
information
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 of many
individuals
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.
Although
Linking Words
 it has disadvantages, I still consider that it brings many benefits for
people
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 with several reasons.
To begin
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, the first reason is that when
individuals
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up date
Correct your spelling
update
show examples
 their
information
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 on large
internet
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companies
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, they will be protected carefully.
For example
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, large
companies
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 and
organisations
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 are reliable places.
Therefore
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, personal
information
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 is preserved in security systems.
Secondly
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,
people
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 often miss their
information
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, thanks to
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
organisations
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, they can keep important
information
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 when they
need
Correct pronoun usage
need it
show examples
.
For instance
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, in many cases, when
individuals
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 miss their
information
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, they only contact
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the company or apply their password in order to have their
information
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.
Moreover
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, personal
information
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 will be
avoid
Wrong verb form
avoided
show examples
Use synonyms
internet
Change preposition
by internet
show examples
 criminals by large
internet
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companies
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. To exemplify
this
Linking Words
, with security systems In conclusion,
personal
Correct article usage
the personal
show examples
information
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 of many
individuals
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 is held by large
internet
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companies
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 and
organisations
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 that
brings
Change the verb form
bring
show examples
 many benefits
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
people
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by midden-02.tore on

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Task Achievement
The essay presents an opinion but lacks depth in explaining why the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Consider discussing possible disadvantages and balancing them with more detailed advantages.
Task Achievement
Try to provide more specific and relevant examples to support your main points. This will strengthen your argument and make it more convincing.
Task Achievement
Some points need further explanation. Expand on your main ideas with more details to make your response clearer.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has some logical flow, but transitions between ideas could be smoother. Use cohesive devices such as transition words to link ideas better.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure is basic but has a clear introduction and conclusion. To improve, make sure each paragraph covers a distinct point with full development.
Coherence and Cohesion
Support your main points more comprehensively for a stronger argument. Each paragraph's main idea should be fully supported with evidence or examples.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay initiates with a general introduction to the topic and presents a clear position on the matter.
Coherence and Cohesion
The conclusion summarizes the writer's point of view effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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