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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of giving children this message?

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Social competitions are becoming increasingly drastic these days, and
hence
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 the younger generations are required to strive hard for better lives. Some educational patterns focus on delivering the idea that nothing is impossible after trying your best.
This
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 essay will discuss both the advantages and disadvantages of
this
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 educational concept. On one hand,
this
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 mindset could increase the well-being of children. Presenting a positive conclusion to the children allows them to be inspired to a maximal
extend
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extent
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. Research has shown that the probability of successfully completing a task is significantly higher for those implementers who believe they are able to achieve the results than those who do not.
This
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 kind of inner-driven motivation will
further
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 support the younger generation to act and learn effectively. Once they have experienced
the
Correct article usage
a
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 sense of
achievements
Fix the agreement mistake
achievement
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, these young cohorts tend to conduct
further
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 actions.
As a result
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, they will naturally engage
into
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in
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 a continuous self-development process.
On the other hand
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, the reward-oriented notion could lead to
severe
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a severe
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 impact on the mental health of teenagers. The reward-oriented concept is indeed
transfering
Correct your spelling
transferring
 the burden of failures to the young people. Children who blindly follow the guidance of
this
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 could be disappointed if they are not able to achieve the expected results after striving
their
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for their
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 best. In some extreme cases, the sense of disappointment could lead to self-doubt and eventually evolve into mental diseases
such
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 as depression and
axiousness
Correct your spelling
anxiousness
. In conclusion,
this
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 essay has mentioned that the reward-oriented educational pattern could inspire the younger generation and
hence
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 guide them into an effective self-improvement cycle.
However
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, the negative aspects of
this
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 concept, namely the development of self-doubt after failures, should not be overlooked.

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task achievement
Include more specific examples or studies to support your points. This can help strengthen your argument and make it more convincing.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on the negative aspects, possibly discussing solutions or ways to mitigate these drawbacks.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smooth transitions between paragraphs. Although your essay is organized, linking words or phrases can enhance the flow.
coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured, with clear introduction and conclusion, and logical flow of ideas.
task achievement
You have effectively discussed both advantages and disadvantages, fulfilling the task response requirement.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively summarize the main ideas, aiding in coherence.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • achieve
  • try hard
  • positive mindset
  • self-belief
  • motivates
  • ambitious goals
  • resilience
  • determination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • growth mindset
  • unrealistic expectations
  • disappointment
  • failure
  • effort
  • hard work
  • seek support
  • individual differences
  • abilities
  • capabilities
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