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Writing Samples
Band 7

There is a lot of pressure on young people today to succeed academically. As a result, some people believe that non-academic subjects, such as physical education and cookery, should be removed from the school syllabus so that children can concentrate on academic work. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Nowadays, many schools focus only on children's academics rather than non-academics because of the pressure
that is
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 given to young people to succeed.
Therefore
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, the
subjects
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 that are out of academic lessons should be not used. I agree with
this
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 decision for some reasons. The main reason is that children need academic study in
school
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 as their basic knowledge before going to
the
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apply
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university.
This
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 means that the academic lessons help them learn and decide what degree they need to choose after graduating from
school
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.
Moreover
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, academic
subjects
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 give them wider perspectives about life after
school
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, so they can recognize their self from it.
For instance
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, an engineer chooses civil engineering as their degree in the university.
As a result
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, he works as a professional engineer after finishing his studies. The other reason for removing non-academic
subjects
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 from the
school
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 is because it can give students extra time to concentrate on their main
subjects
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. When the pupils have other goals than their main goal, it will divide their thoughts.
As a consequence
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, they cannot maximize their academic studies. My experience can be a good example of
this
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 circumstance. When I was in junior high
school
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, I got a minimum score in math subject because I aimed to pass my physical education exam. All things considered, non-academic
subjects
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are necessary
Verb problem
need
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 to be removed from the
school
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 syllabus to give young people a chance to learn academic lessons as their basic knowledge.
Also
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, their existence could delay the pupils' time to learn more about their main
subjects
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.

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task achievement
Provide counter-arguments to show a balanced view before stating your position. This will enrich your response and show critical thinking.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples or evidence to support your main points. This could include citing studies, statistics, or detailed personal experiences.
task achievement
Be careful with general statements. It's important to remember not every student will have the same experiences or needs. Acknowledging this can strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
For better cohesion, use a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
Check for minor grammatical errors and enhance sentence structures for clearer expression.
coherence cohesion
You've structured your essay well with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task achievement
You presented clear arguments for your viewpoint, making your position evident.
task achievement
Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic, with relevant points and examples.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • pressure
  • succeed
  • academically
  • non-academic
  • physical education
  • cookery
  • school syllabus
  • concentrate
  • academic work
  • well-rounded
  • enhancement
  • practical skills
  • balanced education system
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